The past two weeks have been extremely draining, have probably not experienced such a heavy workload in my college career. It's been exam after exam, assignment after assignment, and the storm never seemed to pass (until this week, which is Spring Break, thank God).
I pulled three all-nighters last week, and didn't get much sleep the week before as well. Everyday was a struggle -- both of faith, and of determination.
Of determination, because circumstances so jade you that you lose any enthusiasm for life, and any motivation to carry on. For the first time I found myself contemplating the possibility of not completing assignments out of exhaustion -- at the end of a week of sleepless nights, beginning a 6-hour assignment at 12 midnight the day before it's due at 10am takes no small amount of motivation. I hit that threshold point where studying for one class meant a significant trade-off with another class, and that point is a point I've always told myself to never hit, because it really signified the point where I'd begin to lose control of everything. It's also an absolutely horrid feeling, knowing that you're not able to give your best in a class because you've been swamped with work from other things.
More importantly, of faith, because I think in times like these you wonder where God is amidst the storm, and why He allows you to go through such trying times. Also because I was hit by a blow that shattered my confidence and my motivation: I received my results from one of my classes in which I thought I understood the material sufficiently, and it was my worst result in college :/ It stinks indeed when you invest your energy and your time into studying for an exam, and then blow it because of minor mistakes or small overlooks that propagate over and cause big errors.
In retrospect though, I look back, and see the past two weeks as a display of His grace. One big thing this whole fiasco reminded me of was the stark insecurity and wrong priorities of my heart. It was a mirror into my heart, showing me how I find my security in my control of my life, especially my academics. And when these things I put my security in get wrenched away, I find myself at the brink of crumbling. Oh Christ be the center of my life, be the place I fix my eyes. You take away my illusion of control over my own life, You remove that veil; You humble me and show me the insufficiency in human strength alone; yet You carry and sustain me even when I don't sense Your presence. The message on Sunday was so piercing: that peace was not the absence of problems, but the presence of God. One thing I've been concerned about was that the past two weeks were an indicator of things to come throughout the semester, and with that perspective I looked ahead with fear. But now I am refreshed, and know that I shouldn't seek peace in asking God to remove and lighten the workload, but that I realize and recognize His presence in my life so much more.
And now break is here, much time for rest and renewal, before the next phase of the storm. But I will go through that storm knowing it is more than adrenaline and sheer willpower that motivates me -- much more indeed, for the Maker of those mountains I can't climb is the one who will see me through.
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