Matt writes

How vast beyond all measure

2010-12-07T13:37:00.003-05:00

James 1:2-8:

"2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴ Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. ⁶ But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord;⁸ he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

God told me early on this school year that He'd put multiple obstacles in my path this year not to put me down or as a rebuke, but develop my faith and character, and to make me more and more like Him.

And oh how He's broken me - but how much more has He demonstrated the richness of His grace. By putting difficult people in my life to make me realize the self-righteousness and depravity of my heart; by causing me to be poured out in many ways to make me realize I needed His rest and strength for sustenance and not my own conjured energy; by allowing different challenges I normally overcome with persuasion or perseverance, but that were only removed when I prayed; by putting me through dry spiritual seasons but surrounding me with influential people who pushed me with their testimonies and walks with God and harsh words spoken in love.

Psalm 43:5

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

Can't wait to go home; yet I can't bear thinking about the fact that I'll be leaving Penn in one semester. It's been an amazing 3 and a half years.

God soften my heart.

2010-12-05T02:51:00.002-05:00

Teach me to love, for I judge so easily; give me fresh fire.

Thank you for praying :)

2010-05-17T06:25:00.009-04:00

Helloooo!

I am BACK in Penang. Yayyy, for 2 more weeks!

But firstly my heartfelt thanks to everyone who wrote here/sent me encouraging notes/was praying :) This semester has been SO draining and my most academically difficult one yet, but I'm so thankful for all of you for your constant encouragement and prayer!

I have a lot to write about regarding this semester and how God has stretched me like CRAZY. Will write more very soon, as a good post has been long overdue here haha.

For now, I shall leave you with two things:

Firstly, I HAVE A NEW MALAYSIAN CELL NUMBER! old one expired because I forgot to reload this semester sighs. So my new one is +60142409410

PLEASE PLEASE CALL/TEXT me to meet up if you're back in Penang!

Secondly, I have made a resolution to *attempt* to post images when I blog to make this less dreary. Though that is dependent upon me actually updating haha..

So here is my first one: This is what happens when you have a group project you start on the night before - you become delirious, and your productivity starts dropping, and you start doing things like taking strange pictures and sending them to your teammates who fell asleep earlier haha. The strange names on the whiteboard by the way are the names of the different market segments in our market simulation game (though they have no correlation to the products whatsoever).

FUN TIMES. Haha. Oh dear. 5am (we went until 6am) in Huntsman Hall, working on our Marketing paper.

Crumbling

2010-05-02T20:30:00.001-04:00

Right before my most difficult final here ever.

Not good.

This week was a series of firsts

2010-04-22T22:04:00.003-04:00

1. Had three consecutive nights of very little sleep in college. I've pulled all-nighters, but three nights of almost all-nighters is bad by any standards.

2. And so it was also the first time I got called out by my professor for dozing off in class. Win.

3. Was in a cab with a cab driver who was smoking, AND charged us less because of the heavy traffic conditions.

4. Saw the sky turn hauntingly red at 2am in the morning.

5. Realized (or had someone tell me) a collection of my character and spiritual flaws that made me question my growth and the core of my being.

6. Downed a red bull for the first time ALL year.

7. Got my first paycheck! :)

The Answer

2010-03-14T18:29:00.002-04:00

It's very true how worldly things don't bring security :)

There's been this temptation for me to find my security in my accomplishments, striving for goal after goal in an attempt to subconsciously find my self-worth in what I do, what grades I attain, what job offers I receive.

And so while recruiting season is now over, I supposed life would be smooth-sailing after this, that my worries would drastically reduce, and that life would be a bliss. But today at church I found myself worrying about smaller things, about how I'm going to manage my time from now on, about how to pick up some of the pieces I've neglected during the busyness of recruiting. And I struggled because I couldn't focus on God amidst this quagmire of anxiety and restlessness, over really minute idiotic things that I shouldn't be concerned about.

Haha but as usual God reminds me to trust when I'm despairing. And He answered me with this song :)

I have found the answer is to love You and be loved by You alone.

i've tried more of me
and i've come up dry
trading You for things
things that go away
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You

i have found the answer is
to love You and be loved by You alone
alright! alright! alright!
You crucify me and the world to me
and i will only boast in You
alright! alright! alright!

i'm so satisfied
at the thought of You
growing up in me
covering everything
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You
my happiness is found in less
of me and more of You

It's our confession Lord that we are weak

2010-03-01T00:20:00.002-05:00

But You are strong.

Toughest week of the semester to come - 4 exams and a quiz over two days, interviews, and some of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make.

On late gloomy nights like this it is easy to despair-

But here's where we find that the joy of the Lord is the strength.

That He will give us rest. And lay us down by green pastures and still waters. And restore our souls.

Let Your mercies fall from Heaven.

The Humble and Contrite in Spirit

2010-02-27T11:30:00.002-05:00

"But this is the one to whom I will look: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word". Isaiah 66:2

If there's one thing I'm longing for

2010-02-20T18:05:00.002-05:00

God is faithful. Won't be jobless over the summer :)

But amidst the temptations of prestige and pay and the desire to climb the corporate ladder, when the recruiting process can so easily distort your priorities for life: may this song be the cry of my heart.

May all other goals bow down to this journey of loving You more.

You've showered Your goodness on me, given Your gifts so freely.

But there's one thing I'm longing for - above all else, give me Yourself.

Isaiah 49

2010-02-03T11:02:00.003-05:00

His promise:

v8: Thus says the LORD: "In a time of favor I have answered you; in a day of salvation I have helped you;

My cry:

v13: Sing for joy, O heavens, and exult, O earth; break forth O mountains, into singing! for the Lord has comforted his people and will have compassion on his afflicted.

My doubts:

v14: But Zion says, "The LORD has forsaken me."

God's response:

v15: "can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold I have engrave you on the palms of my hands..'

So awesome:

v25-26: "For thus says the Lord:... for I will contend with those who contend with you... then all flesh shall know that I am the LORD your Savior, and your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob"

He gives strength in times of need.

A bucket list

2010-01-27T11:00:00.002-05:00

To be completed and attempted once I'm done with the recruiting season. Of all the things I need to do before I graduate, and to be able to say I made the most of my college life, and have no regrets.

Haha including (not confirmed yet, don't hold me to this): Running a half marathon, watching Phantom and Wicked on Broadway, going skiing/snowboarding, running through the fountain in Center City, and really focusing on friendships, and a lot more.

The first two and a half years of college has been sheer academic work, this semester is sheer academic + recruiting work, and once it's over, it'll be time to enjoy the more important things in life :)

(And still study la, don't wowy. But less a leetle beet)

A hand on my shoulder

2010-01-17T16:19:00.003-05:00

Today at church my mind was a scrambled mess. Job applications. School work. Standards. People. The songs and the sermon were the last things on my mind, and I really was struggling to want to meet God.

And we were praying for Haiti, and it added to the inner turmoil because until now I had let it remain a piece of Very Important Headline News, of pictures and story and ink, but devoid of personal impact on my heart. But it struck me for the first time, the scale of the devastation. Not thousands, not tens of thousands, but hundreds of thousands lost their lives and everything they owned in a matter of minutes. And corruption - oh how I hate corruption. This isn't the Malaysian-Thailand border, where the Thai immigration officer forces you to put a ringgit bill in for him to chop your passport. This isn't policemen allowing you off for speeding for $20. This is preventing millions of dollars of aid and relief from flowing in when you have a nation destroyed and in desperate need. And I struggled even more because it's so difficult to comprehend - how we need so much persuasion to be moved to give the spare change from that trip to Starbucks, when that means keeping an infant in Port-Au-Prince alive for another day.

My heart was heavy.

But a girl next to me I never met, her name was Kate from her nametag, as we were praying, placed her arm around my shoulder. And I turned to my left and looked at her, and she whispered to me "It's okay", and smiled. How she knew I'll never know. Perhaps I looked troubled during the sermon, perhaps I was rubbing my eyes, perhaps my posture reflected my mood.

But I felt a sudden wave of peace, and knew that was God resting His hand on me, and telling me it was okay.

I hate racial politics.

2010-01-07T23:44:00.005-05:00

http://tonypua.blogspot.com/2010/01/umno-extremist-race-based-party.html

http://themalaysianinsider.com/index.php/opinion/breaking-views/48914-the-allah-protest-the-2-faces-of-1-malaysia--amer-hamzah-arshad-loyarburokcom

http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/index.php/malaysia/48918-security-tightened-as-politicians-condemn-church-attacks

http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/index.php/malaysia/48920-pakatan-wants-umno-to-take-responsibility-for-church-attacks

And this, even from the Wall Street Journal giving a scathing review of Najib.

PHL International Airport

2009-12-23T08:40:00.003-05:00

First airport of five before I get home haha.

But a long and challenging semester is FINALLY. OVER. One of setting and balancing priorities, pushing myself even in subjects that fail to interest and excite; developing a mental tenacity to handle 25 hour operating systems programming assignments; trusting God even amidst sickness and despair; snow fights; hot chocolate indoors during one of the most severe snowstorms in the NorthEast; developing good comebacks for people who poke fun at you (what does your big head compensate for again?); having my earliest class at noon; making presentations and realizing I still speak at the speed of light-an old habit from debating days; punching the air and hopping around when your code compiles and works; learning to serve and to love, and one new thing every day, and that the US govt paid out millions of dollars to the dependents of each 911 victim from my insurance professor who used to work in the Treasury; degenerating my brain with The Office, How I Met Your Mother - and now, GLEE;

- And I shall continue my list later, but I have to board the plane now :)

The worst time

2009-12-14T20:00:00.003-05:00

to have headaches, body ache, congestion, streams of phlegm and mucus flowing out of every opening in your face, and extreme lethargy:

Is the two days right before the due date of a 20 hour final project and a cumulative final exam.

But I thank God for the small things that help along the way:

Understanding TAs who move deadlines, roommates who make porridge and slice fruits for you and keep checking in on you, friends who surprise you with orange juice and honeyed water and visits, university admin and support staff who care enough to recommend medicine even though you have to cancel meetings with them, and many emails and texts and well-wishes.

Endures all things

2009-12-05T12:52:00.003-05:00

Sorry I've neglected this :/

Haha and thank you everyone for your lion comments.

School's been mad busy the last couple weeks, but will hopefully slowly abate.

I will write more, but I'll also be BACK. SOON. :)

Been thinking about these verses a lot.

Love is patient, love is kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice with wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

1st Corinthians 13:4-8

May we strive for this love of Christ. May I strive for this type of love.

When I grow up

2009-11-23T13:11:00.001-05:00

I want to be a lion.

A new record

2009-11-17T09:27:00.003-05:00

I programmed for my Operating System class from 6am in the morning to 12 midnight straight.

Sighs. The brain-body disparity where the brain is willing, but the body is weak becomes so evident in those final crunching hours.

Haha and last night I had a bittersweet sleep - one of the few real ones in a while, but my subconscious mind was still restlessly trying scrutinizing the code, finding logic errors and fixing them.

This class. Is. Terrible. Lol. You get pretty close to despairing and giving up haha.

But IT'S OVER :) God is good. He gives strength and grace when you lack it the most, and also causes Engineering servers to break down, forcing professors to grant extensions that allow you to complete your work :) Call it coincidence, but I know it's one of the ways He's shown me mercy, and the extent to which He cares for me. For even the small things that don't matter, that you totally don't deserve.

My first name

2009-10-31T01:35:00.002-04:00

Should be Ballpoint.

Or Potan.

Or Fri Ying

Or Ja.

Or Wings.

Or Sam.

I'll go with Matteus.

Wisdom from above

2009-10-25T20:58:00.003-04:00

is:

Pure.

Peaceable.

Gentle.

Open to reason.

Full of mercy and good fruits.

Impartial.

Sincere

James 3:17

:) This is how we differentiate between our human folly and God's wisdom.

The past week has been crazy! Recovering from the exhaustion of my fall break computer science assignment, an exam, and lots of work. Haha and two more exams next! But then I'll have a temporary break, and I'll look to get on with life after that ;)

But God is good, and reminds me through song.

Reading list for my free time:

"Leaving Microsoft to change the world", by John Wood.

"How to change the world: Social entrepreneurs and the power of new ideas", by David Bornstein.

and

"Praying the Bible - the pathway to spirituality", by Wesley and Stacey Campbell.

The challenge: Finding some free time. Haha. Probably Thanksgiving if I'm lucky, else Winter Break. Sighs. The day I'll be able to sleep without having to set an alarm will be sooo sweet.

Fall break:

2009-10-17T22:23:00.004-04:00

Italian Market.

Red and green peppers.

Legs of lamb wrapped in plastic wrap.

A shot of espresso in an Italian coffee house.

Writings on windows.

Rest.

A pesky assignment due Monday night.

Rittenhouse Square.

Rain. Wind.

Quaint shops and cobblestone.

Clarity of direction.

Linguine and rigatoni.

Prayer for more direction.

Oven-baked bread.

Old posts.

Dinosaur fossils.

Music to pump you up.

Small art galleries. Local artists.

South Street.

God is good. I.need.Him.so.much.

Lessons from a long week

2009-10-09T16:31:00.002-04:00

Sunset view, take #2.

Lessons learnt:

1. Many know how to talk and spew out big ideas. But few have the capacity to actually make things happen and generate walk from talk. I'm thankful I work with a board of such people :)

2. Something I learnt over the summer: You can't merely depend on your prior knowledge or experience of God to sustain you through busy periods - the busier you are, the more you should stay in touch with God and draw strength from Him. Not actively realizing this is why my sophomore year was so spiritually dry. It's something I need to consciously keep in mind as I strive to keep my life from swirling into a vortex of activity.

3. Letting go of the drive for success and grades and accomplishments, and merely doing your best because you enjoy it and trust that God is in control, is very refreshing.

4. Hebrews 9:11 - "... the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without blemish to God, purify our conscience from dead works to serve the living God." When I think about the contrast - how we have been purified from dead works of futilely pleasing ourselves, to serve the living God, I am blown away.

5. Philly days of sunshine and cool breezes are lovely :)

6. It makes me soo thankful and fulfilled knowing that investing time and energy into people/things really can make a difference. Be it serving in bible study where someone draws a little closer to God. Or just listening and being there for someone. Or bringing in a speaker who inspires students with his life story of creating a footwear company that provides employment and poverty alleviation for African communities.

7.This song quietened my heart so much.

After the rain...

2009-09-29T21:36:00.002-04:00

The sky is a glorious sight.

First exam for the semester done and over with, thank God.

Today I saw someone I met at orientation my freshman year - how time has flown! I remember the first few weeks so clearly as if it were only yesterday, how I desperately tried to get into the dorm music room that remained locked for the first few days when I was suffering from piano withdrawal haha, how people would talk about these strange sounding class names like or CIS 110 or ESE 301 that have now become part of my everyday language, or how I'd let my little kettle boil continuously so it'd spew steam and alleviate the dryness, or how I'd sit astounded in the lounges listening to my hallmates talk about their high school experiences and friends in American-speak, or how my teachers were suddenly not addressed by Sir or Ms, but by Doctor and Professor.

A small student in a big place then, finding my Creator and myself.

And now I'm still ever as small in a place ever as big. But probably a little closer to knowing who God is, and who I am.

And thank you for the birthday wishes everyone :)

My priorities for the year

2009-09-24T00:38:00.002-04:00

2nd Timothy 2:22:

"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart."

When all is stripped away, I pray this would've been the cry of my heart - that I pursued righteousness, faith, love and peace.

Things've been going so-so thus far:

Large research presentation due last Friday, big hw assignment due this Friday. So a little less sleep.
The Bible study I'm co-leading this year has been great, but a little big for someone weak and inadequate like me. But His grace is sufficient, His power is made perfect in weakness.
Small things here and there that have rattled me a bit. But I'm fine, knowing He's in control.
I wear nerd glasses at night now. Sometimes.
Man Utd beat Man City. But Federer lost. F1 crashgate is terrible.
So is a sore throat :/
But some encouragement for the hard work so far: A $100 windfall as a small reward. And this article on PennSEM yay

Ahhh. I love the quiet underlying currents of unexplainable peace, coming from the child-like trust that God is faithful, through all circumstances. It envelops me...

I am thankful.

Still more awesome than I know

2009-09-15T09:53:00.005-04:00

Psalm 4 (New International Version)

Psalm 4

For the director of music. With stringed instruments. A psalm of David.

1 Answer me when I call to you,
O my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.
2 How long, O men, will you turn my glory into shame?
How long will you love delusions and seek false gods?
3 Know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself;
the LORD will hear when I call to him.
4 In your anger do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.
5 Offer right sacrifices
and trust in the LORD.
6 Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?"
Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD.
7 You have filled my heart with greater joy
than when their grain and new wine abound.
8 I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O LORD,
make me dwell in safety.

School has begun. And no worries - I'm not drowning/overwhelmed (hopefully I won't be haha), but thinking and praying over the last few days has made me realize how much I need to be rooted in Him this semester.

In seeking for wisdom - because He gives graciously to all without finding fault.

In finding true joy - greater joy than when grain and new wine abound. And His joy is my strength.

In finding rest and peace and contentment - for He alone makes me dwell in safety.

In finding relief from distress and internal turmoil - because He is merciful and hears my cry.

I will trust in the Lord.

A gentle assurance and quiet confidence that He is in control.

A new year, but the same faithful God

2009-09-11T11:01:00.006-04:00

It's been a flurry of activity ever since I arrived! Delayed luggage arrival (again!); moving in and unpacking; saying hi to old friends, meeting new ones; having 3 playa roommates (haha ky are you reading this) - for real, there are continuous streams of people visiting; stocking up on food and necessities; and preparing myself academically and spiritually for the new year.

A new year, of new challenges. Hopefully a lot less intense - but having had two days of classes see myself so easily lacking the right balance if I don't consciously strive for it.

Keeping my eyes on Him, the shepherd of my soul.

Will write more when I gather my thoughts!

But for now - my room! A less exciting view than last year (no more departing and arriving planes in the background, and I'm not facing away from the city), but still a pretty splendid one :)

Haha my photography skills are still rather juvenile though.

Link: Wilson Ooi: Open for Registration - http://shuhweirachel.blogspot.com/2009/09/wilson-ooi-open-for-registration.html

2009-09-01T12:03:00.003-04:00

I think the original idea for a gf application form was sparked after this ridiculous, nonsensical, brainless post with 0 correlation to real life whatsoever.

Ever since, however, the idea has remained largely dormant, and used merely for the special purposes of making joke.

But now, the gravity of the situation demands that we put this ancient idea into full use. Wilson Ooi has been an amazing friend, a brother, and a mentor to so many of us, and to me, specifically. This is the very least we could do to repay him, to provide an efficient way of filtering "all the single ladies, all the single ladies" as oh so wisely put by the great philosopher Beyonce Knowles.

Calling all the single ladies. Waste not this opportunity. I besiege you to apply now.

---

Note: Hahaha even though this was a most redonkulous post and I know Wilson will take this all in good humor - he is extremely solid with an amazing heart and I know God will provide the right person for him at the right time :)

Hee and even without the intervention of Benice, Rachel and Matt.

My summer research project in the news

2009-08-31T01:19:00.002-04:00

From the Penn Engineering website's feature article

Ben Taskar: Machine Learning by Watching and Listening

Ben Taskar is teaching computers how to watch television. Not, as you may think, because they need to relax after reading all that code, but because through this research, Taskar, the Magerman Term Assistant Professor in the Department of Computer and Information Science, is taking machine learning to the next level. Using novel learning algorithms combining video, sound and text streams, his team has shown that computers can be taught to associate what is in a video clip with existing descriptions of characters and actions and then infer information about new material and categorize it according to what it has already learned.

Currently, to categorize videos, photos and other electronic media, computers are “told” through assigned tags the contents of an image. Even new “self-tagging” technologies rely on existing labels to tag new media as it is saved. This is not at all similar to how a human learns and infers. For example, when we watch an episode of our favorite show and we hear one character say to the other, “Joe is coming over soon,” we are able to infer when a new character arrives that his name is Joe. We do not need an explicit label of “Joe” over his face or a subtitle “Joe” at the bottom of the screen.

To expand the boundaries of machine intelligence, Taskar is using television shows with large fan bases like CSI, Alias, and Lost to teach computers how to be smarter about what they see, hear and read. Take, for example, the show Lost. Hundreds of thousands of viewers enjoy spending hours of their time writing and posting scripts of episodes on fan sites, video clips on YouTube, and information in discussion boards. Taskar is taking this collective “wisdom of the crowds” and entering the massive quantities of digitized knowledge and the associated scenes and clips into computers.

From there, computers are given specialized algorithms to be able to combine the information with the video and “learn” which person is which character, what each character is doing, and with whom. At no time does anyone in the research team tag anything. This is known as “unsupervised” or “weakly” supervised learning.

Once this learning has taken place, researchers can ask the computer, “show all scenes where Kate is talking to Jack,” or “produce a montage of all scenes with swimming,” and the computer will generate the sequence. By checking on what is produced, the team then looks for patterns containing errors that suggest the algorithms and models need fine-tuning. Once the algorithm is perfected, the computer can then watch new material and add to the already known information, using its past learning to amass more knowledge.

As you can imagine, using algorithms to teach a computer to learn the nuances of language and parts of speech in written data, along with different camera angles, lighting and other filming conditions, is a daunting task. Taskar compares it to how children learn about their environments. At first, a young child may call all moving vehicles with four wheels “cars,” and later learns to distinguish “trucks” or “vans” from the group. Similarly, computers are given simpler distinctions and tasks at the beginning of learning and more and more complicated ones as patterns to “teach” are better identified.

Future applications of this research go far beyond the “cool” factor of being able to get a computer to show all the scenes in which a favorite character appears. Two areas that will likely benefit are general image and audio search. In order to develop more accurate technologies that can robustly recognize and correctly analyze immense collections of images, videos and spoken language, computers will need to learn to identify hundreds of thousands of different concepts. By tapping into contributions of millions of people on the web and burgeoning data from multiple modalities, the research of Ben and his team will push the field of machine learning towards unsupervised techniques to make computers learn about our complex world.

Computers can only take us so far. We still can’t figure out where those Lost writers are going with that island.

Great is Thy faithfulness

2009-08-30T00:37:00.002-04:00

He's always faithful, even when we are faithless.

It's a question of trust, and submission and learning to let go - even when life calls you to take control! To control your own destiny! And to not be a wimp!

But may we obey HIS calling, and not ask Him to make OUR desires and intentions His supposed will.

Been wrestling with this. Uncertainty is always confusing.

Quote of the day, from Pr Isaac, from GK Chesterton: "Jesus promised His disciples 3 things - that they would be completely fearless, absurdly happy, and in constant trouble."

Profound words.

Maybe I've to take back what I said about having shaken off jetlag

2009-08-22T21:04:00.005-04:00

Church isn't quite the best place/time to fall asleep (especially when you're sitting in the 3rd row in front of a guest speaker). Or 3-7pm everyday consistently. Or in the car on the way back from church. When you're the driver. Lol! Hahaha I kid - but that's why Chern, Wayne and Daniel are good friends, they remind me that the light is red, or WATCH THERE'S A ROADBUMP.

The changing of the guard in ISCA is evident indeed. Those in F1&2 when I left are now leading, those we used to teach in CIDS are now in ISCA. And thus the challenge is to keep passing down the torch, that we may know God, and make His name known!

And I feel old haha.

Quote of the day: He who abhors durians is a man of God.

Picture of the day: Marcus' mobile phone wallpaper. Ask him to show it to you :p

yayyy

2009-08-16T20:52:00.002-04:00

8 months is a lonnggg time. It was a horribly long flight fraught with long delays (and the subsequent frantic running through the airport to catch the next flight), quirky United flight attendants, a very confused internal sleep and eating schedule, but one filled with an eager excitement of finally coming home :) So that made up for everything.

Ring me up - I'm still using the same mobile number! And I'm glad to say I slept 7 good hours last night (even though I crashed all afternoon haha), so I'm hoping the fight against jet lag is over?

Time for a ROTI CANAI breakfast. Mmm.

HOME AWAITS

2009-08-10T18:26:00.002-04:00

AM COMING BACK SOON. Yes. I can't wait - today I realized how much I've missed home, and am really excited to be back.

Here are a sprinkling of things that have defined my summer :)

Funny story: We were going on a midnight bubble tea run in Chinatown - we were on the way in a cab, and at a traffic light stop, a couple was making out in a phone booth. Upon my friend's prompt, I opened the window, shouted "I NEED TO MAKE A PHONE CALL", laughed, then shut the window.

Told people stories that made some of my friends jokingly (I hope) tease me that I'm a player back in Malaysia. Their jokes are not grounded on the slightest shred of truth, I assure you. Haha

Played sooo much soccer. I think I've improved immensely in my field sense (haha as opposed to ball control, or stamina etc), probably more than I ever did back home. Which is ironic, because few Americans play soccer - but those who do would have typically undergone daily training in school, hence they are strong at things like through passes/man marking/one touch passing.

Explored my thoughts/emotions and level of trust in God on many different fronts. I think my heart has been tested by God in ways it hasn't been tested before - and I come out of the summer not having any more confidence in my flesh, but knowing that His grace is sufficient, and that He gives wisdom in abundance.

Found out what academic research really is, after alluding to it so much in my college application essays, and discussions about my summer plans. What it really is deserves a whole blog post - but in 3 words, it is: Fulfilling. Challenging. Self-motivated

Rediscovered the wonders of tortilla chips and salsa. And milk and cereal. And wearing flip flops.

Struggled with my reputation and identity - sometimes the desire to be perceived as someone spontaneous and sporting and fun collides with that of being serious and proper and blameless.

Had a 16 year old noob (I WONDER WHO HURHUR) without a girlfriend ask me if I needed help in love. On facebook. For all to see. GG. Upon telling him that a lot of my friends at Penn now wanted to meet him, he asked if they needed help in love too. LOL. Conclusion: Matt needs to step it up hahahahaha

Conclusion #2. Even though Matt loves that 16 year old noob with all his heart, that noob whose name I shall not mention (it's Marcus) better get ready for a beating when Matt gets back. HAHAHA ARE YOU SCARED NOW

See you all in a week :)

Summer updates

2009-07-19T14:18:00.003-04:00

I've been horrible, I am first to admit.

Here are some summer updates!

1. I'm lovin' my research. Hours are long (actually it's 9-5 which in the East Coast isn't considered long at all, but for a student like me used to long lunch breaks and scattered class hours, maintaining sufficient concentration gets tricky. But basically I'm doing research in computer vision, more specifically automatic scene recognition in movies, ie developing algorithms that detect if a scene in a movie is indoor/outdoor, beach/jungle etc - so I spend tons of time looking at Lost and CSI data haha.

2. People here don't know what humidity and heat really means. Summer weather has been hot and sunny actually, but still nothing compared to the gloriousness of the Malaysian sun.

3. The downtime and rest over the summer has been absolutely amazing and refreshing. Refreshing meaning -- not constantly having the imposing burden of an upcoming assignment deadline; spending time on friendships I've neglected throughout the school year; not spending worship services or bible studies thinking about the two exams the next day; learning to sleep more than 5 hours a day; watching movies without feeling guilty about wasted time; eating for pleasure and not purely for sustenance (haha); playing basketball and soccer regularly; having late-night conversations with friends about whether you'd be willing to eat sh*t for one day and earn a billion dollars, or about the first things you notice about people, or about what you look for in the opposite sex; watching Transformers at the opening midnight show and cheering when Penn scenes would come out; cooking maggi mee with sausages, tofu, eggs, American cheese and celery; reading Christian apologetics; thinking about life and what I want to do and how I want to spend the rest of my college years and what type of girl I want to meet (haha mom I know you're reading this); studying the Bible instead of speeding through; and learning to live life in abundance.

4. I'll be coming back mid-August :) Looking forward to it!

Good stuff. Haha I'll write a real post soon

2009-06-18T20:12:00.002-04:00

Hand back ‘Saint’ schools to the La Salle Brothers

(From the Star, Thursday, June 18 2009)

YOUR report “An end of an era for La Sallians” (The Star, May 1) stirred deep emotions in the hearts of those who had studied at the 50 La Salle schools in the country. The exit of Bro Paul Ho, the last Brother Director from St Xavier’s Institution does look like the end of an era.

But Old Xaverians and Old Lasallians do pray that Bro Paul’s retirement would not be the end of the involvement of Christian Brothers in Malaysian schools. At the recent Yayasan La Salle Board meeting on June 6, former UPM Vice Chancellor Tan Sri Syed Jalaluddin, an Old Xaverian, made a passionate plea for the Christian Brothers to stay engaged in Malaysia. The meeting was chaired by Tan Sri Kamarulzaman Shariff, another Old Xaverian and a former Mayor of Kuala Lumpur, who mandated Syed Jalaluddin to sketch out a road map for the coming years.

Old Lasallians like Syed Jalaluddin and Kamarulzaman value what the Brothers have done and wish that they can do more. Unfortunately, the congregation of La Salle Brothers worldwide has shrunk. F

ewer and fewer youths in the modern world are prepared to embrace the vows of poverty, chastity and obedience for the sake of educating children from impoverished families. The Brothers have to conserve their manpower and deploy their resources smartly.

The present thinking is that Old La Sallians who have friends in high places should convince the Government to hand back two schools, St John’s Institution and St. Xavier’s Institution, to the La Salle Brothers to manage and administer. At the same time, the Government should convert both schools from being sekolah bantuan modal into sekolah-sekolah bantuan penoh.

Schools like St John’s and St Xavier’s have shown that they have withstood the test of time. After all, St John’s has produced Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak, the present Prime Minister; Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein, Home Minister; Datuk Sri Nazir Tun Razak, the banker and younger brother of Najib and Raja Nazrin Shah, the Raja Muda of Perak.

St Xavier’s has produced Karpal Singh, the opposition leader; Tun Hamid Omar, the former Lord President; Tan Sri Nor Nor Mohamed Yakcop, the Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department.

Both schools can be depended upon to make proper use of the financial resources and enhanced powers given to them. They should be challenged - at the right moment - to bring back the academic and extra-curricular excellence that they had enjoyed in the past. These include competency in the English language, both written and spoken.

I believe making St John’s and St Xavier’s fully-aided schools and mandating the La Salle Brothers and the respective boards of governors to administer them is the answer. Taking both schools private sounds great in theory but in practice, funds would have to be raised all the time. Fees have to be charged and revised upward regularly.

Those students who cannot pay would have to be barred from attending classes. The La Salle Brothers would not be comfortable with a fee-based regime. Their philosophy is to provide education to those who need it, not only to those who can pay for it.

Syed Jalaluddin’s mission is delicate and important. As someone who had studied in a La Salle school and who had worked as a Vice Chancellor of a public university, he can bridge the communication gap between the La Salle Brothers and the politicians and civil servants.

He can get a dialogue going. For all you know, he may find an ally in the person of the PM since Najib is an Old Lasallian.

Dr GOH CHENG TEIK,

Kuala Lumpur.

Work

2009-06-03T23:47:00.003-04:00

ahhh I've not written anything in ages, I fail.

I've just begun my research position on scene recognition and computer vision in movies, and I have new found appreciation for people who maintain full concentration 9-5. Keeping focused for like 8 hours straight with like a mini break for lunch is no easy feat - and it doesn't help that I work in the common area, so no checking emails/facebook/the french open or things like that.

On the bright side, even though I have a night class + assignments a couple days a week, I can come back home and actually not have a back log of things I need to clear, which is a very refreshing change.

Federer is going to win. And the Lakers?

Leading is nothing more than having a list of names to pray for

2009-05-20T14:15:00.002-04:00

Sorry I've been MIA for the last couple of weeks, it's been a mad hectic buzz of activity.

Actually have a rather lengthy post about my reflections of the past overly unsustainable semester haha, but it's only halfway done haha.

Anyway, thank you all for your prayers :) I am absolutely confident that there was an underlying peace despite the obviously horrid consequences of losing a computer, and I know that peace came as an answer to all your prayers. Just got my computer back two days ago -- I couldn't recover my data, but I have my most important stuff backed-up, so I can live with that :)

Just wanted to post some very quick thoughts.

1. I was talking to my cg leader from freshman year, and she said being a cg leader was nothing more than having a list of names to pray for for the entire year. Very piercing reminder to any of us who have any positions of spiritual leadership.

2. Am slowly beginning to understand the dynamics of Christian growth. Looking back over the semester, I realize the periods of growth for me were when I reached the point of complete trust in God and His will for my life - and not my own efforts/grades/eloquence - and saw Him work; or when I struggled to submit certain areas of my life, and subsequently learnt to give it up. And conversely my periods of dryness were when my prayers lacked faith, and thus even when God worked there was no realization; or when I didn't search my heart for sin or was living in denial and wasn't actively seeking for renewal.

And it really isn't that our relationship with God is dependent on Him working miracles, but that our relationship with Him active ongoing conversation, rather than a monologue - if we don't give Him room to speak into our lives, we have no right to blame Him for our stunted or non-existent growth.

3. Will be serving in a cg (or family group as we call it here). Am really excited, for much personal growth, but more than anything to learn to love and have a servant's heart. Which is why I brought up point #1 :)

4. Hehe if you have time to kill and want a good mentally-stimulating online game, I recommend Desktop Tower Defence.

please pray

2009-05-03T03:58:00.003-04:00

hey guys
I'd really really appreciate if you could remember me in prayer -- my computer just crashed :( I was scanning something on my printer, then it suddenly turned off, then my computer froze and gives me error messages at startup. sigh

Really really hope I'll be able to recover my data. I usually back up my stuff, but for some reason the last backup somehow didn't quite work, and because I overwrote previous backups I definitely don't have a good working copy of a lot of things. And ask any college student, their life exists on their hard drive :( and I have my finals beginning tomorrow, so it's not quite the best time for such a thing to happen.

but amidst it all, I choose to be thankful:
1) that I still had some data backed up. and that a lot of work I've done over the past few weeks have been either submitted online/sent to other team members via email, so I can slowly re-piece together my work.
2) that this didn't happen last Sunday night. if not I'd be absolutely destroyed, because I had a final project due last monday and that I was up all night for (red bull gives you wings)
3) that I don't have anything immediately pressing that I need my computer for
4) that my roommate has an extra computer and is extremely gracious in letting me use one of his
5) that I have the extended warranty, so even if I need to replace my harddrive it should be free. and I'll get a lot of extra technical support in service and in software when I call in tomorrow
6) and above all else, that I know God had a purpose in this. to either remind me of how vulnerable I am and how much I need to depend on Him; that my life isn't sustained by the things of this world and my material possessions; that if i think I can keep my life going on my own strength and hard work all it takes is for a small hardware error to occur that could wipe out my energy and enthusiasm.

so I guess please pray that I'd be able to recover my data, but more so that in this time I'd learn to find strength and sustenance in God.
thanks:) you don't know how much I appreciate it.

One more week of lines and lines of fixed width fonts

2009-04-24T15:12:00.003-04:00

Sigh. I have two more final projects due this upcoming week, and my life will be filled and dominated by lines and lines of code. Lines and lines of codes that look and feel just like these -- monotonous, devoid of any emotion or feeling.

But the end is nigh. Yay.

Haha writing human words and sentences in this font feels so robotic and fake.

Replies

2009-04-24T15:00:00.002-04:00

to rachel ooi & benedict: thanks! it took a while but i'm definitely up and about now :)
to javern: hahaha i'm glad you caught it!
to josephine: hello! hope life's treating you well
to maylyn: i know! sigh, sad. yea indeed -- you too! let's keep trusting.
to alan: thanks man! it's not been too great but it's almost over
to arjan: hello! you too
to carol: thanks! finals are still more than a week away though! that's the sad part haha.
to ry: heh. err i guess you can equate a doctor giving a bad prescription with a banker (or in this case a finance student) making a bad financial investment? and thanks for the encouragement rach! really appreciate it

Sleep

2009-04-22T02:54:00.003-04:00

I've been absolutely swamped -- will reply comments soon!

In the mean time, here are two profound and true things to ponder.

Sleep is for the weak.

Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation.

Haha. Story of my life. Just that for me caffeine doesn't quite work, I run on adrenaline. But the end is nigh -- I'll get to sleep next Monday. Can't wait.

Quick updates

2009-04-09T08:36:00.002-04:00

Hello!

Haha sadly I have abandoned this a little for the last couple of weeks -- it's been rough, but once this season passes I shall write more.

1. I've gotten sick, a bad cough, horrid sore throat, and watery eyes. In some ways I'm thankful though, because this week is relatively easy compared to last and next, so God's timing is always right, and because it's forced me to rest a lot, which I probably wouldn't have done if it wasn't so bad.

2. Easter's coming! But in the busyness and sickness I've barely had time to focus on God :( This semester's workload has been impossible, it's been way too consuming, and for the next couple of days I'll need to make a conscious, determined effort to quieten myself down, pray and reflect.

3. The weather has been fluctuating way too much. One day we have gorgeous sunny weather where people bring out their t-shirts and flip-flops, and the immediate next it's cold and rainy. Why la like that

4. I prefer the sunny weather.

5. Wittiest comment I made this week: My friend's giving a presentation later today, and two days ago he was telling me that in his practice presentation with his team no one laughed at his jokes. So he asked me to laugh when he'd tell it later today, and I asked him to give me a signal when he was making the joke. Haha. Geddit?

6. 2nd wittiest comment: Another of my friends was jokingly complaining about her doctor friend who was visiting from another school, and was seemingly giving dubious medical advice to her roommates. In his defense, I told her, even Wharton-ites (Wharton is supposedly the 'best' business school in the US) make bad investments. Geddit?

Week by week

2009-03-25T03:10:00.002-04:00

Every week is a struggle - vividly colored with events, meetings, and exams; yet so monotonous. For busyness drags you along so fast that your surroundings become a blurred sight, a constant shade lacking tone or variation.

But more worryingly is when you start losing motivation to keep up with that insane pace. When falling behind becomes an option. But yet you know if you do, the balance will be thrown off, and things will begin to crumble. And so what keeps you going is that small part within you that fears uncertainty, and fears failure. It gives you the surge of adrenaline that barely lasts sufficiently long, and then you crash over the weekend. And the cycle repeats itself the next week.

Sigh. Sometimes I don't even know why I do things - it's so easy to lose sight of the big picture. And when I search myself and identify those motivations, that primitive, human fear of failure, I don't know what to conclude.

Every week I ask myself the same question, how should I trust? What does it mean to trust? When you lose energy for life itself, where do you find the strength to trust?

But the light at the end of the tunnel is visible. I've planned out my schedule for my remaining two years, and the overwork these two semesters will pay off :) This season will soon come to past. I have to keep pressing on, keep pushing forward, keep persevering, and keep trusting. Even amidst disillusionment about what it really means.

1. Trust 2. Game plan

2009-03-19T03:54:00.003-04:00

My optimism swings so easily. I'm psyched up one moment, and discouraged the next.

Have a status report for my management class coming up tomorrow. A short presentation, but with extremely high standards of perfection -- indeed quite a daunting prospect. First time since debating days I've had to give a formal presentation before a crowd, and many things feel the same. The same jittery feeling the night before. The same active, energetic hand movements. The same piercing stare to emphasize a point. The same voice modulations.

But this time, the only person I'm pitting against is me. Yet in many ways you still indirectly compete against others. And again, just like debate, there's that old feeling of being intimidated by other teams. By small things, like the size of their file, or the coats and blazers -- this time the only initial indication is the slide deck, which you have to post earlier. Some other teams have very creative slide decks and present interesting concepts, and the immediate tendency is to compare.

But I need to remember to do what we've always, always done, and what has always, always worked: 1. To trust God. 2. To stick to our own game plan. And this time, I know our game plan comes in the sophistication of our thought process to present simple-to-understand yet unique points. My TA has called our rehearsed version a 'stellar presentation', thankfully, and he is not a person-pleaser but an honest appraiser. My mind needs to stop fearing, or comparing, but to stick to what has always, and will continue to work.

Dissection of two weeks of utter agony

2009-03-07T18:11:00.001-05:00

It's been awhile since I've posted anything substantial here, haha I have to apologize -- and I hope this post might partially explain why as well.

The past two weeks have been extremely draining, have probably not experienced such a heavy workload in my college career. It's been exam after exam, assignment after assignment, and the storm never seemed to pass (until this week, which is Spring Break, thank God).

I pulled three all-nighters last week, and didn't get much sleep the week before as well. Everyday was a struggle -- both of faith, and of determination.

Of determination, because circumstances so jade you that you lose any enthusiasm for life, and any motivation to carry on. For the first time I found myself contemplating the possibility of not completing assignments out of exhaustion -- at the end of a week of sleepless nights, beginning a 6-hour assignment at 12 midnight the day before it's due at 10am takes no small amount of motivation. I hit that threshold point where studying for one class meant a significant trade-off with another class, and that point is a point I've always told myself to never hit, because it really signified the point where I'd begin to lose control of everything. It's also an absolutely horrid feeling, knowing that you're not able to give your best in a class because you've been swamped with work from other things.

More importantly, of faith, because I think in times like these you wonder where God is amidst the storm, and why He allows you to go through such trying times. Also because I was hit by a blow that shattered my confidence and my motivation: I received my results from one of my classes in which I thought I understood the material sufficiently, and it was my worst result in college :/ It stinks indeed when you invest your energy and your time into studying for an exam, and then blow it because of minor mistakes or small overlooks that propagate over and cause big errors.

In retrospect though, I look back, and see the past two weeks as a display of His grace. One big thing this whole fiasco reminded me of was the stark insecurity and wrong priorities of my heart. It was a mirror into my heart, showing me how I find my security in my control of my life, especially my academics. And when these things I put my security in get wrenched away, I find myself at the brink of crumbling. Oh Christ be the center of my life, be the place I fix my eyes. You take away my illusion of control over my own life, You remove that veil; You humble me and show me the insufficiency in human strength alone; yet You carry and sustain me even when I don't sense Your presence. The message on Sunday was so piercing: that peace was not the absence of problems, but the presence of God. One thing I've been concerned about was that the past two weeks were an indicator of things to come throughout the semester, and with that perspective I looked ahead with fear. But now I am refreshed, and know that I shouldn't seek peace in asking God to remove and lighten the workload, but that I realize and recognize His presence in my life so much more.

And now break is here, much time for rest and renewal, before the next phase of the storm. But I will go through that storm knowing it is more than adrenaline and sheer willpower that motivates me -- much more indeed, for the Maker of those mountains I can't climb is the one who will see me through.

Snow storm tomorrow (8-12 inches?)

2009-03-01T18:48:00.004-05:00

To Amy Gutmann, President of the University of Pennsylvania:
Please cancel classes tomorrow. If there's one thing you could do that would have a significant impact on the multitues of students here, it would be this.

___
Haha I'm partly so hoping for a respite, because I'm really exhausted and jaded from the last couple of weeks, and look ahead at the coming week with a measure of fear and anxiety. Sometimes the weekend is so busy, it doesn't feel like a break at all. At all.

God I need rest.

Thank you

2009-02-24T22:34:00.003-05:00

To those who've been remembering me in prayer :)

It's been a rough week, and I've been trying to consciously depend on God and not slip into a cycle of just working without remember why/for Who I do it.

This song is amazing -- my song for the week :) The video quality isn't so good (so don't stare at the video it'll make you dizzy, just listen haha), wanted to put some proper music videos, but I chose this one because she talks about her inspiration for the song.

ABOVE ALL ELSE, Vicky Beeching

Jesus, my passion in life is to know You
May all other goals bow down toThis journey of loving You more
Jesus, You’ve showered Your goodness on me
Given Your gifts so freely
But there’s one thing I’m longing for
Hear my heart’s cry
And my prayer for this life

Above all else
Above all else
Above all else
Give me Yourself

Savior, the more that I see Your beauty
The more that I glimpse Your glory
My heart is captured by You
Jesus, You are my greatest treasure
Nothing this world can offer
Could ever compare to You
So, hear my heart’s cry
And my prayer for this life

Happy v-day

2009-02-15T02:46:00.002-05:00

My friend S says that V-Day is Singles' Awareness Day -- S.A.D. Haha.

I like the way we 'celebrate' it at church; we use the occasion to appreciate the sisters :)

Come like the rushing wind

2009-02-14T01:37:00.003-05:00

The wind outside howled yesterday. Like I've never heard before, and from the 20th floor the effect of the rushing wind is extremely amplified -- leaving a small gap in your window causes doors in the entire apartment to swing violently; even walking through Locust Walk against the wind required much effort. In these brief displays of majesty and grandeur through nature, it gives me much perspective -- what is man that you are mindful of Him Oh God?

Come like the rushing wind, leave us abandoned to Your praise.

CONSUMING FIRE -- Hillsong United
There must be more than this,
O breath of God come breathe within,
There must be more than this,
Spirit of God we wait for You.

Fill us anew we pray,
Fill us anew we pray.

(Chorus)
Consuming fire fan into flame,
A passion for Your Name,
Spirit of God fall in this place,
Lord have Your way,
Lord have Your way with us,

Come like a rushing wind,
Clothe us with power from on high,
Now set the captives free,
Leave us abandoned to Your praise.

Lord let Your glory fall,
Lord let Your glory fall.

Stir it up in our hearts Lord,
Stir it up in our hearts Lord,
Stir it up in our hearts Lord,
A passion for Your Name.

Knowing You (All I Once Held Dear)

Graham Kendrick

All I once held dear, built my life upon,
All this world reveres and wars to own;
All I once thought gain I have counted loss,
Spent and worthless now compared to this.

CHORUS:
Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing.
You're my all, You're the best,
You're my joy, my righteousness,
And I love You Lord.

Now my heart's desire is to know You more,
To be found in You and know as Yours,
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh to know the power of Your risen life,
And to know You in Your sufferings;
To become like You in Your death, my Lord,
So with You to live and never die.

Haha one of my favorite things to do: posting songs that speak to me :)

There's a meningitis scare on campus -- and all the cases have been related to students in frats/sororities. All events/parties involving food and close human contact have been cancelled for the weekend.

Not quite sure what to make of all this; my first reaction was apathy, but then emails from multiple sources begun flooding in about cancelled events, precautionary measures, and health check-ups. Hmm.

2009-02-08T00:31:00.003-05:00

Today it struck me during helpers' training that achieving success in Christian ministry does not say anything about your character, or whether you're continually in the process of becoming more Christ-like. Sometimes God gives your ministry growth because He cares about people, but it is in no way God's affirmation of the integrity of your character.

I have resolved not to complain about busyness, not out of hypocrisy or a masking of problems to create a facade of calmness -- but to learn to operate on grace :) For the joy of the Lord is my strength.

Kinda filled to capacity with my time now, yet another thing I learnt today: Let every moment be spent with God, or being used by God.

It snowed really heavily the other day, and patches of white dot the landscape. THE GROUND HAS LEPROSY. Haha

Thought process: Engineering vs Liberal Arts

2009-01-30T00:04:00.002-05:00

I've been mentally exhausted the whole day after such a long night. Even if you make up the lost hours of sleep, physically you might recover, but the mental drain of being awake for almost 24 hours straight operating at full concentration is very evident.

I had three assignments due today, two were technical problem sets, and the other was a management essay about the impact of cultural differences on your leadership style/your team. Working through assignments that required such different approaches simultaneously wasn't the most pleasant experience, and I think the differences in approach were really amplified due to the high-stress levels.

Since most of my classes this semester (and in fact all of last semester) are technical math/logic related classes, it's become part of my nature to analyze problems from an engineering perspective, where you disengage your emotions from the problem, and dissect it from a purely technical standpoint. It is a succinct, cold, logical process, almost mechanical after practice, where you understand the problem, understand the desired final end product, and slowly apply logic to build step upon step.

And then I started working on the essay at about 3am, and initially applied the same perspective -- understanding the prompt, understanding the end product, almost disengaging my emotions and applying logic, and then I realized I was hitting mental blocks, and words and ideas were not flowing. It was overly elaborate, unnatural, and uncomfortable. For my reference was no longer concrete and tangible, like other problem sets with solutions, or textbooks with formulas; it was now my own emotions and observations, hidden behind multiple layers. And the unearthing of the richness and depth of the human soul requires reflection and self-evaluation, all of which I had not given time for amidst the horrendous busyness of the weak, and certainly not something that could be rushed at 3am with another uncompleted assignment due at 9am.

And so I come out of this experience different, knowing that in such future writing assignments, a paradigm shift is crucial. And I come out too a lot more desperate for God, because after such trying moments of fatigue and frustration, you experience emptiness, and become reminded once again that even the fulfillment emanating from a task well done does not come close to filling the void.

Almost all-nighter

2009-01-29T07:05:00.002-05:00

7.05am:

I pulled a pseudo-all-nighter. I'm still going to sleep a bit before class, so it's not a full one.

6 assignments this week, not fun at all.

Penn Social Entrepreneurship Mentoring: www.pennsem.org

2009-01-28T14:39:00.004-05:00

www.pennsem.org
Moving ahead, progressing well. Things are starting to get exciting :)

A muffled New Year

2009-01-26T02:03:00.003-05:00

Chinese New Year here is not much of anything, it is a muffled celebration limited to red packets and lanterns stuck by my dorm's administration in the lobby, and a yearly Malaysian/Singaporean dinner. But to be very honest I never placed much cultural significance on it, it was just a time with family and the extended family -- so I guess that makes me a family person, but not in any sense a traditional/cultural person.

The weekend was extremely busy though, and I didn't feel very well a good part of today, so from a productivity perspective I accomplished close to nothing. And I regret to say that it's only the beginning of the third week of school yet I feel rather overwhelmed by the workload ahead of me, both for this week (almost all my professors assigned problem sets due on the same two days, for goodness' sake), and for the whole semester, if I extrapolate the amount of work I have now to the whole of the semester.

Oh God I really need You.

In the bitter cold

2009-01-18T22:49:00.002-05:00

It's been absolutely freezing the last few days, temperature is perpetually from -5 to -20 celsius. I used to think the cold was a novelty and something I'd thoroughly enjoy, so I'd wish I'd live in Alaska or something dumb like that, but after the last few days I'd like to take that back.

I walk outside with a tortured look on my face, and everyone around me hunches in, wrapping their jacket tighter around themselves. I take more inefficient routes by walking through buildings, so I get temporary relief from the cold; sometimes I run. When I come back, I take off my scarf, gloves, outer jacket, inner sweater, and I rub my ears and legs to get feeling back into them. The main topic that dominates everyone's conversation is the bitter cold.

That's why I'm so thankful for a cozy room, a heater, and my blue comforter. And hot milo.

New York Times 44 Places to Go in 2009 - VOTE FOR PENANG

2009-01-14T08:48:00.002-05:00

The New York Times is compiling a list of the 44 places to go in 2009, and WE'RE IN IT wooot

I think we're 22nd spot now based on the NYTimes' recommendations, and number 2 based on readers' recommendations :)

Bring the kiasu spirit out and let's hit number 1. Haha. You can only vote once though, so tell other people to vote too lol.

GO RECOMMEND PENANG NOW

Sorry I've been MIA

2009-01-13T09:51:00.003-05:00

Hello!

Sorry I haven't written anything since I got back.

Have been sick + jet-lagged, a horrid combination indeed, and when I'm tired during the day I can't tell if it's because my body needs rest to combat the flu, or if it's because my body-clock is messed up, so I don't know if I should sleep. So recovery hasn't been too smooth :/

But the last two nights I've slept for around 12 hours, so I'm slowly getting some of my bounce back haha.

On a completely unrelated note, I re-watched the Beautiful Mind over summer, and have been inspired to write on my windows like John Nash did, especially since I have huge glass windows. Did some googling, and found out the type of pen he used is something called a "metallic dry erase" pen, so that's on my list when I head to the stationery shop later.

I shall probably post pictures of nerdy writing on my window once classes start and I've actual problem sets to attempt, and not the lame stuff like "testing", or "awesome, this pen works" that is somehow natural to me when I acquire a new pen.

Last afternoon

2009-01-08T00:24:00.002-05:00

Yea. Sigh.

It's been an awesome break though, love ya'll :) It seems the pain of leaving is as real each time, but the longer I've been in the US, the stronger the joy/excitement of being back on campus and meeting up with uni friends again, so I guess it evens things out a little more.

Another semester of intensity ahead. His grace is sufficient, so bring it on.

Will miss you all dearly.

2009: A New Year of direction and priorities

2008-12-31T12:32:00.006-05:00

I still remember in one of the last prayer meetings last semester, one of the pastoral staff was talking about goals we think that if accomplished, will bring us satisfaction -- and how flawed we were to think that anything other than God would make us truly joyful, and about living entirely for God.

Goals like "if only I had better results, I would be so much happier with life", or even "If only I prayed and read the Bible more, I would be so much more satisfied".

I remember distinctly praying that while trying to parse through the many emotions I was feeling.

Hesitancy, because while I always say I study for God, I'm not sure if I actually do. Sometimes I feel my life has been dedicated to the pursuit of academic excellence, and in that whole-hearted single-minded unwavering pursuit, the boundary between living and studying for God and living merely for excellence/accomplishment/pride/self-satisfaction's sake gets smudged. And I wonder if academics has so consumed my being that I allow it to jostle with God for first place in my life.

Pride and self-righteousness, because I thought that I had accomplished to some measure all the goals he used as examples -- results, spiritual discipline, popularity, and the subsequent guilt and self-condemnation for inflating myself.

Confusion, because I still didn't (and still don't) know about whether to continue studying Finance or not.

But I know as we seek Him, even with our filthy lives, He molds and breaks us. For His grace is sufficient, and as I've gone and am going through these torrid times of self searching and evaluation of my motives, He sees the heart and the desire to live for Him though it is masked by my human weakness. And He does the changing.

This semester's results have been beyond my wildest expectations -- I would never have even dreamed of receiving such grades. It's been really hard trying to interpret them though: what did I do to deserve them, did I trust God more, did I work harder, I don't think I was smart enough to deserve them, where to from here. In some ways, it initially felt like a fulfillment of hard unending toil, like I achieved what I purposed myself to do, and that not merely to achieve results, but to learn and learn till the brink of perfection. And that fulfillment was something I have been working towards and thankfully accomplishing most of my life.

But back to God changing us. Today, today I felt a strange liberation from the demanding path of academic perfection. Not a weakening or removal of drive or motivation, but rather an evident transformation of that drive. It suddenly clicked in my soul, and it seems my whole perspective has been revolutionized. Suddenly I felt the burden of having to repeat and perform next semester vanish, the mental fatigue I thought I'd never be able to shake off evaporate, the tension subside. That even though my calling is academic excellence, I pursue it because it is my calling from Him who grants wisdom and understanding, and not because I am seeking excellence as an end in itself. That I study and learn because He has given me the ability and the opportunity to, not because I seek it as a means to human achievement. And suddenly, I feel recharged and raring to go next semester, because there has been renewal -- and I feel I know a little more about what it means to study as an act of worship, and what it means for the joy of the Lord to be my strength. These things I've talked and thought about much, but it is God alone who can transform that head knowledge into heart knowledge.

I pray my fuel next semester (and for the rest of my life) shall be grace, and not my own strong will and drive (and interestingly, I think the source of my fatigue this semester was having to constantly psych and motivate myself through the relentless work, and not the actual work itself).

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

IYAMHOM

2008-12-23T12:50:00.002-05:00

It's good being back :)

And again, in point form:

1. Flight was tiring. Most of what I remember is "Chicken or Beef", and that the guy next to me didn't smell like the last time (he did slurp pretty loudly, though, I could hear even thru my headphones), and that for some reason people don't check which seats they're on but assume an empty seat is their seat. The joys of flying.. And American airports/airlines are sooo inefficient, for goodness sake. What's the point of having an automated check in system if half the people are going to need assistance with extra baggage/tickets etc and you only have two people manning the booth.

2. I can't really decide if roast duck and char siew go well with a Western dinner. I think they do (and my Dad certainly thinks so), but most people seem to think otherwise. Hmm.

3. I heart sleep. Sleep debt is the only debt I constantly look forward to repay.

4. Unwaxed dental floss is a lot more unwaxed than I thought.

And I guess most significantly, in conjunction with the release of most of my grades, I've been thinking about the semester. How God has been absolutely faithful, even when I wasn't. How I survived this semester, when in retrospect I've no idea how everything fell into place. There is something really amazing about grace, but I'll need to think/read up on that, and perhaps write about it soon especially in what I've learnt throughout semester.

Merry Christmas everyone :) Let's not lose the true meaning of Christmas behind busyness and friends and gifts. Christmas isn't about getting into the "mood" by artificially forcing it through trips to the mall and Santa's lap and Christmas songs playing all day -- it's about reflection on the greatest Gift of Love. Reflection through prayer, and time with God, and rest.

It's a time/number game

2008-12-16T20:42:00.002-05:00

Two more to go.

One more day.

The last week has felt like a month.

Tonight will feel like a year.

Pushing on, pressing in. Let me not fall at the finish line.

He gives strength to the weary.

Exams, and exam.

2008-12-10T03:48:00.004-05:00

I've been praying that God will teach me how to trust Him, and to let go of my self-sufficiency.

These few weeks He's really answered that prayer.

Last week, this and next have been and will be my most academically demanding weeks I've experienced at Penn yet. But although I'll be sitting for many exams, I know the real exam for me is not one of intellectual endeavor, nor perseverance, nor human intelligence. It is a test of trust in an Almighty God whose grace is sufficient, who is my strength when I am weak, and who is my all in all when I feel helpless.

If you could remember me in prayer, I'd really appreciate it. I've to say it's been quite overwhelming and stressful.

Sigh. 7 more exams, and I'll be home. But it seems so far away.

Something big's coming in the mail

2008-12-09T17:33:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow or Thursday :)

I badly need distraction/motivation, and this will give me just that.

Caaaaan't waaaaiiittt

Like money falling from the sky

2008-12-06T01:33:00.005-05:00

PHASE 1.

Step 1.

Google the phrase "free car insurance quotes".

Step 2.

Click on the first link on the right, underneath "Sponsored Links".

Laugh about it and feel good about yourself (you'll find out why soon).

PHASE 2.

Step 1.

Let's try googling something more specific, like "personal injury lawyer michigan".

Step 2.

Click on the first link on the right, underneath "Sponsored Links".

Laugh a little harder, and feel a little better about yourself -- you just helped Google make some money.

Uh, a LOT of money.

Highlight the next two lines to find out how much revenue those companies have to pay Google. For every. single. click.

"free car insurance quotes": $51.73 (RM 187.75)

"personal injury lawyer michigan": $65.85 (RM 241.50)

We learnt these awesome facts about pay per click advertisements in our awesome Econ class, when we were talking about auctions in Game Theory. It's crazy how insanely much these advertisers are willing to pay. Even more crazy is the brilliance of the auction designers at Google to generate so much revenue.

So assuming there were 20 people who followed these instructions, we probably made each of those companies pay close to USD 1,000 each -- just to satisfy our intellectual curiosity.

So really, by a simple click, money just falls from the sky. Unfortunately not into your hands -- but if you want this to work for you too, it's not difficult at all. Just go through the web, make search indexes of every page you visit, and store it in some servers, try to figure out some auction mechanism too, and give your venture a dumb name. Note: "Google" and "Yahoo!" already taken.

Disclaimer 1. The author is in no way related to Google and is not subversively trying to generate more advertisement revenue for them. He also does not recommend anyone being mean and clicking on the same link a second time.

Disclaimer 2. The last joke was taken off the lab page of the author's Computer Science class when he was writing simple web crawlers. He's not that creative with jokes.

The wheels of the bus go round and round

2008-11-29T01:23:00.005-05:00

Traveling is tiring, but sometimes I love the bus rides, and the chance for quiet contemplation and prayer.

Thoughts on what people assume to be an elite education, and how at times I long to be a product of the system -- academically and socioeconomically; yet I know the real me desires the education and the intellectual pursuit but I seek to disengage myself from the culture of drivenness, wealth and sophistication. And if not possible to disengage, to insulate.

Reflections on the year that has been, what I've accomplished, missed, and need to improve. I've been challenged and stretched in many ways and directions, and am always trying to find that equilibrium point where by His grace I can minimize (or nullify!) the trade-off between the things important.

Deliberations on friendships and relationships. About not expecting the boundaries of my comfort zone to magically expand, but about stepping out and pulling them with you. About ethical standards in life, and about conversations I've had with many different people on biblical purity in relationships.

Introspection on my own heart. If it longs for what is right and pure and holy. If it longs for love. If it longs for God, and if it longs for Him enough. If it is hard and quick to judge.

And then I set goals. And learn to surrender.

So it is indeed quite possible in a seemingly wasted 2 hour bus ride to accomplish much. Though it has to be done while fighting the distractions of the common curses of the bus ride, the speaking-mad-loudly-into-the-phone-lady, the crying-baby, and the couple-who-scream-from-the-back-to-the-front-of-the-bus. And the not typical yet occasional problem of the complete-stranger-falling-asleep-on-your-shoulder syndrome. Pwoah.

Oh and besides thinking about more serious stuff, I also think about completely random things. Like accents, and how I haven't decided how I want to pronounce "water" yet. Whether with an American twang, where I let the "t" sound roll over, or whether I should be a bit more British and pronounce both syllables distinctly and emphasize the "t" in a very British-y manner. And about the mapo tofu stain on my sweater, and if it'll come off in the washing machine, and my friend's cute Japanese way of removing stains if all else fails.

Today was nice

2008-11-23T02:08:00.002-05:00

Because:

- We had an international food fest, and I cooked a chicken dish in an amount I've never come remotely close too, it filled an entire tray haha. And had quite positive reviews yay

- Had a good Skype conversation with my parents and my dad's brother's family from Kuching

- I rested so much today. It was the kind of rest where you wake up and could probably start doing things, but allow yourself the luxurious pleasure of closing your eyes again without feeling guilty. Sadly such rest, ie resting more than the minimum required to function well, hasn't come too often this semester. Think I was able to do so partly because the year's coming to an end and everything's beginning to wind down, and also thankfully because the semester started well and that has given me a reasonably comfortable buffer for most of my classes, save a couple where I do have to push myself as hard as I can for final exams. So mentally today was very refreshing.

- There's a lot to look forward to tomorrow. Soccer in the morning, then church, then the entire afternoon in the Linux computer lab (doesn't sound like too much fun, but I do enjoy that class haha, and I'm on the final stretch of a 25 hour assignment so the end's in sight!), and a thanksgiving dinner. Then a short short week ahead before break!

Emotions

2008-11-17T21:12:00.003-05:00

Where there is pride, may I be humbled and be broken.

Where there is temptation to boast, may I boast in my weaknesses.

Where there is affection, may I find true love in You.

Where there is anger and bitterness, may I learn to release, and to forgive.

Where there is identity in academic success, may I remember what is eternal.

Where there is fatigue and weariness, may I find strength in You.

Where there is insecurity, may I realize who I am, and Whose I am.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

Slogging

2008-11-16T02:41:00.003-05:00

I've been slogging away at my laptop since mid-afternoon till now, working on a programming assignment. And I'm done, thank God.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm in Computer Science, whether I really enjoy the work (not the quantity, but the subject), or whether I enjoy it for the relieving satisfaction that follows when your code finally works after 4 hours of debugging.

Probably both, I think.

A bulletin.

2008-11-08T15:27:00.003-05:00

I just received an email from someone containing the bulletin of the interschool debating championships that we used to take part in.

Quite overwhelming indeed, the torrent of emotions that came upon reading it.

Nostalgia. For it reconnected me to a place and event that was such a big part of my life.

Gratitude. For how it impacted me, and for the awesome people I've met.

Camaraderie. For the unbelievable teammates and coach we had, and our enduring friendships.

Honor. For the editor described St. Xavier's as "legendary", and I was deeply honored and above that, thankful, that I was accorded such an amazing opportunity to be part of so special a school, and so extraordinary a team.

A tribute to President Obama

2008-11-05T00:51:00.002-05:00

His acceptance speech was amazing :) It rouses the spirit, it unites, its sheer impact makes the hair on your back stand, it encapsulates the very essence of who a President should be: his character, his ideals, his perseverance. The last part was hauntingly similar to Martin Luther King's I have a dream speech, especially when he continuously uses the rhetoric "yes we can", just as MLK used "I have a dream".

Listening to it in the GCC suite was so much more worth it than studying for my exam tomorrow hee. Philly is going wild -- first the World Series, and now an Obama presidency.

__
PRESIDENT-ELECT BARACK OBAMA: If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

Its the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen; by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the very first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different; that their voice could be that difference.

Its the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled - Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.

Its the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical, and fearful, and doubtful of what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

Its been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America.

I just received a very gracious call from Senator McCain. He fought long and hard in this campaign, and hes fought even longer and harder for the country he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine, and we are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader. I congratulate him and Governor Palin for all they have achieved, and I look forward to working with them to renew this nations promise in the months ahead.

I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton and rode with on that train home to Delaware, the Vice President-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.

I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last sixteen years, the rock of our family and the love of my life, our nations next First Lady, Michelle Obama. Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy thats coming with us to the White House. And while shes no longer with us, I know my grandmother is watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight, and know that my debt to them is beyond measure.

To my campaign manager David Plouffe, my chief strategist David Axelrod, and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics - you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what youve sacrificed to get it done.

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to - it belongs to you.

I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didnt start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington - it began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston.

It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give five dollars and ten dollars and twenty dollars to this cause. It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generations apathy; who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep; from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on the doors of perfect strangers; from the millions of Americans who volunteered, and organized, and proved that more than two centuries later, a government of the people, by the people and for the people has not perished from this Earth. This is your victory.

I know you didnt do this just to win an election and I know you didnt do it for me. You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime - two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century. Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us. There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how theyll make the mortgage, or pay their doctors bills, or save enough for college. There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair.

The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America - I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you - we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who wont agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government cant solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way its been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years - block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

What began twenty-one months ago in the depths of winter must not end on this autumn night. This victory alone is not the change we seek - it is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It cannot happen without you.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other. Let us remember that if this financial crisis taught us anything, its that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers - in this country, we rise or fall as one nation; as one people.

Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. Let us remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House - a party founded on the values of self-reliance, individual liberty, and national unity. Those are values we all share, and while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress. As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, We are not enemies, but friendsâ€¦though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn - I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too.

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world - our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand. To those who would tear this world down - we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security - we support you. And to all those who have wondered if Americas beacon still burns as bright - tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

For that is the true genius of America - that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one thats on my mind tonight is about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. Shes a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing - Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldnt vote for two reasons - because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin.

And tonight, I think about all that shes seen throughout her century in America - the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we cant, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can.

At a time when womens voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that We Shall Overcome. Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.

America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves - if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time - to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth - that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we cant, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes We Can. Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America.

Some thoughts

2008-11-02T21:36:00.004-05:00

This post has no theme by the way, it's just a collection of many things that've been on my mind.

I titled it "Some thoughts", because I find it interesting that many scholarly papers begin with "Some". Like "Mathematics for Computer Science: Some Notes", and I have definitely seen it in more papers, but I shall not convolute this post with horribly technical scientific terms that I don't understand, so I shall refrain from naming others. I think it's because given how some of them are so precise, they're afraid of the connotation of total comprehensiveness if they were to write "Mathematics for ComSci: Notes" instead, that it would maybe mean ALL notes on computer science math or something. Lol. I just find it amusing that people would bother to be that precise.

I still haven't decided what I want to study. I'm rather sure I'm doing Computer Science, but I'm still unsure if I should go ahead with Wharton, or maybe replace it with something else. Have been thinking and trying to dissect my motives, and am praying that whatever I decide it shall be what God wants me to do, and not it be just me making my own decision and forcing God's approval.

And in line with that, I've been thinking a lot about surrender, and humility. How to release the reins over my life and develop a right perspective of trust and faith.

I think I've become very sensitive (partly because of my own insecurity) when people try to mask arrogance with pretentious humility. Like when they talk about how difficult their classes (and how they're supposedly not coping), but through that are really trying to show off; or talk about how overwhelming their schedule is, and try to emphasize all the tough activities they're doing; you can tell from their tone of voice and word choice and facial expression. I mean I am honestly highly impressed by their intellect and drive and always look up to such people, but am a little disappointed that sometimes they try to rub off their intelligence. But what this really reveals to me is this: How fallen and depraved humans are, where we are always filled with selfish motives, AND how judgmental and insecure and proud (that's why I so easily recognize pride in others) I am. Seriously, I think whenever I notice hidden motives in people I'm starting to look at myself and see how much I hide these motives too, and how the attributes I most dislike in people I see most in myself. Sigh, I feel I've really just cut through and exposed myself by writing this, but I'll rather boast about my weaknesses, that Christ's power may rest on me.

And so, if you ever think I'm trying to show off subtly, please tell it to my face/slap me and don't sugar coat it or something. I think everyone can do with a good humbling sometimes, as painful as it is :)

The past week was decent. Next two weeks will be kinda bad, because I've an assignment that'll probably suck the life out of me, since the learning curve involved will be so steep, and I've so little prior knowledge compared to the rest of the class who have done one or two more semesters of ComSci than I have because I started late.

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving already. Partial signs of mental exhaustion showing :/

The Malaysians went to an Indonesian restaurant yesterday, and we had mi goreng soooo goood. And nasi babi (the menu said that, for some reason they didn't bother to use khinzir). And murtabak. They almost wanted to order frog too, but we chickened out and it was too expensive anyways.

My friend told me I have big lips. Lol. I don't think so la.

I realize I write in really long sentences eeks

I should be studying

2008-10-26T21:30:00.006-04:00

I'm supposed to be studying, was down with a headache the whole day and haven't had a chance to do work. But whatever la, I feel I need an outlet to write now.

Quick recap of how the week's been:

1. My Cantonese isn't so bad, after all (Mom you must be happy to read this hee). Went to Chinatown with my family group for dim sum, and being the only Chinese in the group I was given the responsibility to order haha. AND, although the waiters/waitresses spoke English, I took the liberty to attempt to sound like a native speaker and speak Cantonese instead -- and it kinda worked, we got all the food we wanted haha. I think the reason I'm so self-conscious back home is because everyone kinda assumes I'm a banana, so I fear embarrassing myself by speaking Chinese and confirming those assumptions about my lack of native linguistic abilities lol. Maybe I shouldn't fear, though.

2. I've found a group to play football (or soccer, as they call it here) with, once a week. So happy.. We play in the indoor basketball courts, so even the coldest and nastiest winter shall not hinder us.

3. Phillies are in the World Series! ie Philadelphia's baseball team are in the finals of the baseball championships. There is a huge buzz on campus and all over the city, everyone's willing them to win. They're won 2 and lost one to the Rays, first to 4 wins.

4. I've been thinking a lot about Penn in general, and just evaluating it from what I've gone through over the past 1+ year now. I think I'm growing to like it more and more, although my initial impression of it wasn't the most positive. I guess as you go on, you start dropping any barriers you might have erected when you were still new and insecure, and as you destroy those barriers you become less critical of your surroundings and of people and start appreciating them for what lies beneath the surface. I'm consistently overwhelmed by how talented people are here, but how you rarely unearth or discover how brilliant they actually are because in every day life, conversations with them are so random and down to earth. But when you actually talk to them about what they do, you find out that she does research on the embryos of fish and DNA expression, he who gets drunk so often is a political science major and writes for the campus newspaper, she seemingly effortlessly harmonizes perfectly when she sings, she who's always so happy-go-lucky and funny actually speaks Latin and loves ancient Greek literature, he who lights up the room with his bubbly personality has extremely profound views on life.

True humility is really shown in people who are so humble and unassuming, yet underneath that external layer is brilliance :)

2008-10-22T21:54:00.001-04:00

So tired -- just back home for the first time since my class early this morning.

But I've to study for my Computer Systems exam tomorrow. Praying for strength.

Maybe.

2008-10-18T01:11:00.004-04:00

1)Today at my church's Friday night meeting, a missionary to I'nesia who used to pastor at my church came to share -- he's American, and didn't speak a word of Indo when he first went.

2)Today at my church's Friday night meeting, I was really thankful that I was given a good foundation in M'lay and am well-versed with M'lim culture and I'lamic history.

3)When he showed a detailed map of SouthEast Asia, with Indonesia and Malaysia and all, my eyes lit up, for I know that region well. When he used M'lay words like'kitab', 'kami pengikut jalan kepada Allah' (we are followers of the Way), and talked about durians sold in a roadside 'warung', my face lit up, for I understood. When he spoke about the dire need for the Message to penetrate the M'lim world, and that the harvest was plentiful but the workers are few, my heart was burdened, for the Spirit placed that burden in my heart.

Hmm.

---

Edited: Oh, and I miss home a lot too. Homesickness does strike pretty randomly.

2nd Edit: Didn't want this post to appear in search engines :) Hence the small apostrophes in place of letters here and there.

More random (and possibly geeky) facts

2008-10-10T00:39:00.003-04:00

Exams are over, but I've been stuck in front of my computer working on my latest Computer Science assignment where we have to write code to differentiate between images of humans and cougars. Fun stuff, but work-intensive sadly. Ah, such is life (my French roommate would say "c'est la vie" haha).

Good news: I found out today that an hour of studying burns 100-120 calories.

In that case I'll take my second bar of Kit-Kat, thank you very much.

Replies:

to Beng Tatt, rachelim: thanks! no worries for the late wishes. appreciate it! :)

to ry, eunicetan, cassy, kon: thank you thank you!

to OP: thanks bro. congrats again on your graduation!

to javern: hahaha yikes cute? will reply your mail soon :)

to maylyn: oi!! haha that's not fair, taking previous conversations and err, abusing them :p

to jr: aww thanks daniel! very kind of you to say that, thank God it turned out well. how was the yearbook?

Finally I found out, it's 60 and 120.

2008-10-02T17:44:00.003-04:00

Thanks everyone for the birthday + get-well-soon messages :)

I am much better now -- prayer, sleep and natural immunity (and lots of cough drops) certainly work haha.

Wanted to blog about a few things, but am pretty exhausted now, so will write more soon.

But first, random thought of the day. I've been wondering what's the minimum time between consecutive plane take-offs/landings since when I watch the airport in the far distance during peak hours,it seems like that minimum is reaaaaally short haha. But that's also because I'm watching from like 12.5 km away -- Google Maps distance estimation is awesome -- so even if the planes are far apart, I see them simultaneously and it creates the illusion of them being close.

So officially, the minimum time is 60 seconds between take-off and landing, and 120 seconds between consecutive landings. Yes, I'm a geek like that sometimes. Haha, sometimes.

Falling sick

2008-09-26T02:29:00.001-04:00

The flu has struck.

It's struck my health, my concentration, my energy, and my mood.

Sigh. Not quite the best way to come of age :)

It is well with my soul

2008-09-20T00:19:00.003-04:00

I just heard the news about HY and HM's dad. Was holding back tears, had a huge sudden influx of emotions. Was struggling for awhile, questioning God all over again.

Two songs really have been speaking to me, and making me inspect the strength of my faith in God's sovereignty and control in the most dire circumstances, especially if one day God were to take away someone/something I deeply love. HY and HM, I pray these songs may speak and comfort you, as they've done for me.

(Stories + lyrics taken from www.cyberhymnal.org)

It is well with my soul (By Horatio G. Spafford)

This hymn was written after two major traumas in Spafford’s life. The first was the great Chicago Fire of October 1871, which ruined him financially (he had been a wealthy business man). Shortly after, while crossing the Atlantic, all four of Spafford’s daughters died in a collision with another ship. Spafford’s wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram, “Saved alone.” Several weeks later, as Spafford’s own ship passed near the spot where his daughters died, the Holy Spirit inspired these words. They speak to the eternal hope that all believers have, no matter what pain and grief befall them on earth.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

My Hope is Built (by Edward Mote)

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Sometimes things like these really shake you up, and throw life into perspective. As work's been increasing I've been starting to study very intensely (which is not wrong at all), but now I'm struck again that life is so much significant than temporal things such as academic success. It is a privilege, a privilege to be used wisely and for God's will. Because at anytime, at any moment at all, even when you least expect it, God may take it back and demand an account of how you lived your life.

May we be found good and faithful servants. May we live lives that reap eternal blessings, and not find and store treasure in worldly things.

The 20th floor is quite nice

2008-09-12T17:17:00.003-04:00

My new room: Love the windows, especially the floor-to-ceiling one. Living with friends in an apartment in the high rises is such a huge improvement from my old beat-up dorm last year. From the 20th floor, absolutely amazing view of South Philly -- and with the airport visible in the distance on a clear day, I can see planes taking off and landing every minute or so.

The night view's even better.

And I just bought a contour pillow and memory foam mattress topper for my horrible mattress that's nothing more than a plasticky lump that gave me pains and aches when I woke up, and I slept like a baby last night.

Life in a new perspective

2008-09-05T00:12:00.003-04:00

So I'm officially a sophomore, the American term for a second year student.

Life through the lens of an upperclassman compared to a freshman is so drastically different. For example, I actually enjoyed -- more precisely enjoyed crashing -- freshman orientation a lot more than I did previously. There's just a lot more calm when you already know people and actually are able to accurately anticipate what'll happen throughout the semester, versus trying to make new friends and acquaintances in the midst of a new culture and homesickness and when your only knowledge of college is only exaggerated stories by upperclassmen.

But most significantly, I think I know myself a lot more this year (or at least I think). Was talking to one of the Singaporean freshman -- who incidentally thought I was from S'pore because of my accent when I was responding to a question in my Probability class -- and he's very desperate to get into the Management&Technology program here at Penn. (btw it's the 'specialized' dual degree program I applied to but was not accepted). That made me reflect on what was important in life.. Frequently I hear stories of crazy driven people who graduate with dual degrees in 3 years etc, and it used to invoke in me awe and admiration. Probably also because of my own insecurity, and that I wanted to be someone who stretched limits and accomplished seemingly impossible academic endeavors.

But I think now I almost feel sorry for those who are in such a pressured state. It must be rather stifling to have your life bound by such demanding standards of excellence -- standards so rigorous they cause you to lose the exhilarating exuberance of college life. I guess then sometimes excellence is not defined by that A+ you had instead of that A, but really in knowing that you enjoyed learning for learning's sake, and that in the midst of the busyness you had time for God, yourself, and were able to invest that time in causes/hobbies you honestly have a passion for.

I think though, that everyone has to go through this phase (usually marked by the most uncertainty, like the first year of uni) where you really struggle in defining your identity and figuring out what's most important to you. There's always an alternative you have to forgo especially in this day and age with so many choices presented to us. Vividly remember when I was in that position -- a small midget of a freshman in a big school with so many brilliant people, completely unsure of where I stood, aspiring to be the best and at some points even willing to lose my life and zest in the process of attaining to be the best.

Probably one of the reasons why God didn't allow me to get M&T was because He knew that it'd serve to fuel my ego/pride. And though it would have made life a lot easier (since it reduces the classes I'd have to take), He knew there'd be greater character building for me to be purified by a longer and more intense fire, and because I'd be enduring it all with a humbler attitude.

I really pray that I'll be able to live a significant lifestyle by heavenly standards, not a successful one by secular benchmarks. And I pray that my security and peace will not be because of the natural process of adaptation to this relatively new environment and culture, but in honest childlike trust of the unshakable nature of God's faithfulness.

Clarifications?

2008-08-31T15:57:00.003-04:00

Haha I feel I have a fair bit of explaining to do judging by the quantity and enthusiasm of the replies :)

Prosperity Gospel:

Thank you =_= for your comments, and friend for defending me. I guess most people probably haven't really heard of Prosperity Theology especially in the American church, so misunderstandings are highly probable. It basically is a method of preaching the gospel, where Jesus is used as a promise to health, wealth and success.

Now firstly, I was not referring to what I think of prosperous people. I think God definitely blesses people, and I am not against that, nor against rich people at all (I'll write more about this in the next paragraph). What I despise is when preachers say things like "come to Jesus and you'll prosper in your businesses, your illnesses will go away, your financial troubles will disappear, you'll succeed in everything you do". This 'gospel' has spread especially to Africa, and I had a friend who went to Uganda for missions and said that in some of the biggest churches, they literally say things like "receive Jesus and you'll get a million dollars". Watch this short clip by John Piper on the Prosperity Gospel:

That does not mean that Jesus does not bless or heal, or that we should not pray for blessing or healing. Rather, when we pray merely to receive the gift and become so obsessed with it, forgetting the Giver, it becomes idolatry, as Piper says. We need to pray for healing and for God to provide us a solution to our financial troubles not so much for the result but for the perspective and the faith -- faith that says we'll trust Him even in the midst of the deadliest illness or the most threatening financial debt. And faith that is based entirely upon the flawed foundation that Jesus is the means to health and prosperity is not faith at all; when the waves come, that house built upon the sand will come crashing down. For this is the faith that the American church has become so guilty of championing.

And on riches and wealth: I think it is a calling to be rich. When God blesses you financially, I think you are called to a specific purpose -- either to positively influence people at your strata of society whom middle-class people would have little opportunity to reach, or to use it to start charities/donate it to the poor etc. But if you use riches to merely achieve comfort and obtain a sense of security for yourself (or even possibly pride/ego), then I think it has become an idol and has been abused.

And =_=, what am I doing in a top university? I don't know, I'm still waiting for God to direct. But what I know is this -- there's a good chance I will one day forsake the comfort of the Western world to do missions, or work in non-profit organizations around the world. Of course I'd like to be comfortable, but that will come in secondary to what God wants me to do. And if God calls me to stay where I am and work in a high-paying job, I will not live an extravagant lifestyle but will save money for my children's education, my retirement, and for causes that touch my heart, particularly Christian missions. Hope that answers your question :)

Alright, and now for the more fun part that most of you were particularly curious about lol.

Haha in response to some brainless comments I've received, no, I am not taking gf applications or enquiries :p

In total honesty, that statement was really entirely made in fun and jest (my parents were cross-examining me when they first read the post. "Matt are you 100% sure you were joking?" haha). I don't have anyone in mind at all, and am not particularly interested in anyone at the moment (lol so if you were speculating on all the people I am close to, don't confuse good friendships with romantic attraction). And am currently quite resolute about not looking for anyone special, mainly because I'm still rather young and because I don't know at all where I'll be when I graduate.

I was quite surprised though how much controversy that generated -- Rachel Yeoh called it a 'wave of excitement' haha.

So I'll admit this clarification wasn't quite exciting as you might have hoped it to be, especially if you were hoping I'd pop out a name or a hint of who it was. Lol sorry there's really nobody la

There are many seasons in life, and for me right now it's a season of singlehood :)

Matt making joke

2008-08-24T23:31:00.003-04:00

Having time for yourself is nice, but after awhile it can get quite lonely. Even when you've things to do.

Haha okay I was going to end this post -- really was slightly homesick, but when I read the sentence above I suddenly had this brainless thought:

I think I need a girlfriend.

LOL.

I'm kidding. Really wan, don't worry. Think it came up all of a sudden because before I came to NY I was talking to one of my friends in Philly about Josh Harris' book "I kissed dating goodbye"... Errr so there, a perfectly innocent reason for such a horrendously ridiculous statement. Umm let's change the subject, shall we? *bit embarassed*

in Staten Island, NY

2008-08-21T17:05:00.003-04:00

So I sit here in the quietness. It has become a shelter for me to contemplate, to rest, to pray and read the Word, and write. (Don't worry Dad I'm studying too haha)

There is something about the solitude that makes me miss home a lot more -- especially after reading Caroline's latest blog post about going back to the US. Just the tugging in your heart that you long to be back in the embrace of your family, and amidst the laughter of friends.

But I guess God sends us away to grow, and even as I positively anticipate the new school semester I look forward to being back the next time.

Anyway, I wanted to write a lot about how I'm becoming increasingly disillusioned with the American church (thankfully not my church at Penn, but with the general American church) and the Prosperity Gospel it preaches, and how these preachers and major televangelists have plastic surgery, fake healings, make prophecies that aren't fulfilled, fly in private jets and own huge mansions, and how their preaching is so lop-sided and shallow. Check out this site too, it's pretty hilarious and gives many examples of the sad state the church is in now.

But for some reason even though I made many attempts, I couldn't really encapsulate what I wanted to say in written words, so I'll save that for another time.

And I'm going to completely change the tone of this blog post haha and write about funny bits of my trip back here so far. Yes, fickle, I know.

1. So on my return journey, from Tokyo-LA (about 10 hours?), I sat next to a rather messy man who smelt of saliva -- and more specifically, as I might have told some of you, of the plaque on your teeth. Again, don't ask me how I know how plaque smells like. Very nauseating and disgusting, in case you weren't sure.

2. In Washington DC with Siang-Ee, we stayed at the Malaysian embassy -- they offer lovely accommodation (though you have to share rooms with others) for extremely cheap! You've to bring Malaysian ID though, so he had his passport with him, and we were debating whether it was safe enough to leave it in the room when we went out for dinner. Such irony eh, that we were actually worried we'd lose a passport where they make 'em.

3. Just as we were laughing over that, I was reading through msn about how PAS objected the Avril Lavigne concert (it really made headlines in the US!). Siang-Ee made some cheeky comments about Malaysia, then again, we realized where we were haha.

I guess a Malaysian embassy isn't exactly the best place to make jokes about Malaysia, no?

"Err tuan, passport saya hilang. Saya nak minta embassy tolong re-issue"

"Kat mana?"

"Err kat bawah" (the rooms were underground)

"Ah, tentulah... U cakap apa semalam ingat saya tak dengar? Dan u tak payah mai sini lagi, ingat ya"

Die lor

theCall

2008-08-18T01:19:00.002-04:00

Just got back yesterday from a 12 hour Christian conference/revival prayer meeting in Washington DC, about 2 and a half hours away from my city.

Imagine 70,000 people thronging to pray for spiritual freedom & revival right at the very same place, the National Mall (which is more like a large open-aired expanse, rather than a shopping center kinda mall) near the Lincoln Memorial where Martin Luther King Jr gave his amazing "I have a dream" speech about civil rights and freedom for the oppressed 45 years ago.

Yea. Yea.

Right in the midst of the Capitol building where the Congress meets, and the White house. God's shaking the spiritual foundations of the country from the core, from the very pedestal of power.

Going back to DC again (lol) with one of my Malaysian friends to visit tomorrow, and to make up for the fact that I didn't bring my camera yesterday ;)

Back in Philly

2008-08-14T00:08:00.003-04:00

Have arrived in Philadelphia safely, thank you everyone for your prayers :)

Flight + transits were extremely exhausting, so I'm glad to finally be on land again.

A little annoyed with United Airlines, one of my bags wasn't transferred properly and was left behind in San Francisco. Still waiting up to now, more than 12 hours after.

Will write more when I recover some energy haha.

"Put your hope in God,

For I will yet praise Him,

My Savior and my God."

Psalm 42:11b

Catharsis

2008-08-09T13:22:00.004-04:00

Writing is therapy. I need a bit of emotional therapy now.

There's been a lot of excitement the past week even though it's my last week -- that holiday, that meal, that game, that sharing etc -- enough to suppress the reality of my upcoming departure.

The up cycle. And now that it's peaked, the down cycle takes over.

And down cycles can be depressing on this emotional roller coaster of sorts. As it veers uncomfortably close to emotions I'd rather not experience, there's always a tendency to attempt denial, to shrug them off with the external mask of supposed mental strength.

Yet I choose to confront it. To accept it as an inherent part of my God-given spiritual framework. To face it fully aware of the pain -- with the comfort that He holds my hand, He restores my soul.

To embrace it, knowing that my joy is independent on the whims and fancies of my feelings. And my hope knows no emotional barrier, for it is dependent upon Him who is constant. For I will not let temporal sadness and depression rob me of my joy and my hope.

Hungry, by Kathryn Scott. (YouTube of video is below)

Hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy

I am empty but I know your love does not run dry

So I wait for You, so I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees

Offering all of me

Jesus You're all this heart is living for

Broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide

I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life

***

This post took awfully long to write, time taken to evaluate myself and find the right words to capture the myriad of scampering thoughts exploring the various extremities of my emotions.

But I feel much better already :) Much gratitude also to Wilson and Chern for your uplifting words :)

Thank you :)

2008-08-08T05:31:00.004-04:00

For my last few weeks of meeting up with people here at home, and especially for yesterday :)

There are many things I could have chosen to invest in over the summer (I was initially only supposed to return for a month and go back to Penn to do biomedical research!), but thank God I've invested in something that'll hold through thick and thin, in something that'll reap dividends though I'm ever so far away, in something that keeps me going through the storms of life half the world away: my family and my friendships.

I've been reflecting, and I've been overwhelmed :)

You've all been amazing. Thank you.

putera lilin

2008-08-04T09:06:00.002-04:00

Back home from a family holiday in Camerons. Weather is absolutely amazing -- I am quite a putera lilin (translation: wax prince), and the Penang heat withers me. So the respite was much appreciated.

Going back to the US in a weeks' time :/

After being back for almost three months, it feels as if you've never left, things were just as they were prior to your first departure. I think I'll go through the whole homesickness phase all over again sigh.

But I'm glad I got to come back for so long anyways, and for that I am grateful.

Things that keep me going and excited:

2008-07-29T14:53:00.003-04:00

1. Working with some of my team members from Project Vietnam, we're applying for a grant up to USD 30,000 to develop an educational model for disadvantaged children in Vietnam

2. Working with one of my friends and a few others from Penn to initiate a social entrepreneurship (the wiki article on SE is linked) mentorship development program.

***

If you've a chance, watch Dr Randy Pausch's Last Lecture -- it's long, but you won't regret it a bit. He just died recently, but in the face of death, he taught millions of people how to live. He talks a lot about achieving your dreams..

I guess if you'd ask me what one of my biggest dreams was, it'd be this: To do SE/non-profit work in developing countries (hopefully working with kids!), and to combine it with missions. Ultimately I know if God's on my side (I'll have to pray a lot about this for sure), it'll work out :)

I can drive legally

2008-07-21T23:31:00.002-04:00

Thus ends many many illegal-but-totally-safe-and-responsible driving lessons (4-5 lessons in a driving school is simply not enough to give you road-sense): of purposely wearing sunglasses to cover my young (haha) eyes -- not having a P sticker and having a young face don't always work together well (some people say I look older than my age, but it's not a risk worth taking with police around) and twisting up my face to have an indifferent i've-been-driving-for-ages cool look when a cop drives by.

I hereby lay my law-breaking to rest. *bows*

Haha.

But more seriously, for those of you who knew about it, thank God and thank you all for praying. I wasn't comfortable with the clutch in the test car, and they parked the car right by the bukit and you barely get any chance to test it out. So my bukit test was a lot more traumatic and nerve-wracking than it should have been.

But see many people pass without trusting God or having a God to trust in simple things like these and it might seem like it's therefore inconsequential to trust God. But for those of us who do, there is a quiet gentle assurance that in even the small tests of life, He is there, holding your hand.

Anwar vs Shabery: Fuel price debate

2008-07-15T22:17:00.004-04:00

I've been working on blogging and uploading pictures, but on a different blog -- sealnetpv08.wordpress.com, the project blog of SEALNet's Project Vietnam 2008. So now that it's over I shall slowly revert my attention back to this. And will write more about my thoughts on PV08; my mind is rather muddled on what to make of it all.

But first let me get in touch with a bit of my debating past haha.

Anwar vs Shabery on the fuel price debate:

1. On personal attacks

Shabery made many personal attacks on Anwar, including jabs at the '74 demonstrations and the lack of openness during his tenure. But I felt the burden of proof was not to establish or question the leadership integrity of either man, but to debate the current government and its rising oil prices. And I thought Anwar demonstrated a lot more maturity in acknowledging that this stage wasn't the right avenue to make/defend personal attacks.

2. On Anwar's proposal to reduce oil prices by RM0.50

Shabery totally did not engage in this debate. Anwar came up with a detailed roadmap to accumulate the RM5billion necessary to reduce oil prices by that much, including reducing overcapacity which only benefited IPP (Independent Power Producers), reducing illegal diesel smuggling and improving poor fund management, but Shabery never ever once addressed this specific proposal, rather choosing to focus his arguments on how this proposal would be harmful to Petronas, which I shall discuss next. In a competitive debate, not addressing the opposing team's mechanism/model is just as good as conceding defeat.

3. On Petronas

Again, Shabery just didn't get the idea that Anwar wasn't proposing to take money away from Petronas, which Anwar repeated multiple times. Rather he proposed that money be taken from what Petronas already gives the government -- and Shabery again did not engage.

In Conclusion

I thought this was a rather lop-sided debate in Anwar's favor, especially if you use the rules and rubric that govern varsity-style debating -- Anwar was able to respond to most of the arguments raised by Shabery, but it seemed that Shabery came in with prepared arguments and when Anwar raised issues that Shabery didn't have prepared rebuttals for, he just went off-tangent and started making personal attacks. He said that high oil prices wasn't Malaysia's but a worldwide problem (which is true, but Anwar stressed the status quo where Malaysia is a net exporter; I felt Shabery's only subsequent argument was that Malaysia is a small net exporter), yet with all the personal attacks he made it seem that it was only Anwar who opposed the fuel price. He forgets: on the contrary only BN members seem to agree with the current fuel price haha.

What Shabery should have done

He barely talked about the rakyat. What would have favored him would be to analyze how a fuel price decrease would benefit the rich as much or even more than it would the poor -- and thus show how the billions saved from reduced subsidies could be channeled back specifically to those in the lower-income bracket. A comparative analysis between re-increasing subsidies vs the government's current efforts to reduce the people's burden (including the rebates, and improvements in public transportation, and better infrastructure) -- showing how the status quo was more beneficial to all Malaysians -- would have strengthened his case a lot more.

If Shabery had made his burden of proof such: that the issue was how best to help the rakyat, and the debate was on how best to accomplish that -- whether by increasing fuel subsidies (Anwar's proposal) or re-channeling the money saved to aid the people that needed the help most (the status quo) -- he could have well had won the debate.

But since he didn't do that and failed to engage, in my opinion Anwar won hands-down.

blushes

2008-06-18T02:33:00.002-04:00

Boy am I a frequent updater lol *turns red*

I think it's a dynamic difference being home and cooping up at a small dimly lit (well I have four lights in my room so dimly lit is a non truth heh) study table where especially at 4am in the morning your only link to the real world is the internet. Explaining why there was so much more incentive to frequently update while I was still away haha.

But very quickly:

1) USA for Students was amazing. Always nice to have the enthusiastic rising freshmen who haven't suffered yet to faithfully manning the booth while the old 'uns (especially Yau our chairman) were almost never present at the Penn booth, but walking around catching up with friends.

2) My car only died three times in my first LEGAL driving lesson. Considering I have barely any stick shift experience I consider that a success -- especially since it didn't die on the road. Heh

3) I'll be going to Vietnam under SealNet for the first few weeks of July, but because my Macbook is under repair and I'm an Mac user, and a rather elitist one (it's all Jo Hann's fault, my friend who persuaded me to convert) I don't find such pleasure in my computing experience now, so I go online less and haven't been keeping up with my emails. Also why I've not been updating. Haha he'd be proud of me for saying this

4) For those whom I've discussed this application with, I didn't get into M&T :( it was kind of a blow because I overworked myself for it, and thought my grades would pull me through. But am accepting it as God's will though I know not the purpose of this rejection. But I did get into the normal Wharton dual degree, so I thank God for that.

5) Life is busy and fun. But I need to make sure my priority remains Him, it's so easy to fill your day with activities and realize there's little time left for Him.

6) Read this. God is faithful -- Rach I know God is in control even through the turmoil. Remember the prophecy :)

Sorry

2008-05-29T09:00:00.002-04:00

Maaf ya. I've been away with my family for a long extended holiday.

And this is one of the few fleeting rendezvous moments I have with the internet lol. I will write more when I'm back :)

But don't worry. I'm still alive. *winks*

Sleeeep

2008-05-22T23:22:00.002-04:00

I've been sleeping for the past few days.

And sleeping.

Jetlag + too many movies in the plane + packing & repacking + sleeping at 5am everyday during exam week + malaysian humidity = major sleep debt -- one that can only be repaid over at least a month.

And hopefully I'll accumulate more sleeping credit throughout the summer to buffer my energy level next semester where I'll be piling on the courses haha I wish it worked that way

I can already hear people who say lah all around

2008-05-19T17:45:00.002-04:00

Just got off the 17 and a half hour NY-Singapore direct flight! And I'm still alive and kicking, though probably rather frazzled in appearance haha. Taking this flight always feels so much shorter than it actually is, what with good food, movies and comfortable seats :) But nasty SIA is making this flight entirely business class soon, so I'll have to take a more inconvenient route the next time I fly ish.

Typing this in Changi Airport's free internet portals now. I distinctly remember the 22nd of August 2007, when I was at this very same airport, with emotions raging within me, my mind filled with a mesh of anxiety and excitement. And now here I stand, having suffered and triumphed through the one year I knew would be most challenging.

And I give God all the glory. For in my weaknesses and frailty, in my despair and failure, He has shown Himself strong.

I can already smell Malaysian soil haha. And I already hear the accent I've grown up with all around - lahs, wahlaus, chehs.

See ya soon!

I want home

2008-05-15T02:17:00.003-04:00

I am officially sick with a royal sore throat of majestic proportions.

And I've to work tomorrow, helping out as an Alumni Ambassador to justify my free housing extension and 30$ for meals till Sunday -- my Graduate Advisor just sent out an email saying I was scheduled tomorrow. And so I won't be able to visit NYC :(

Thus I'm not exactly feeling too perky at the moment.

Quick update

2008-05-12T03:54:00.002-04:00

my utmost appreciation to all the well-wishes and prayers! All of you have been such amazing contributors and encouragers to my life :) Exams were over Friday, but ever since I've barely been in my room at all, life has been bouncing on at a blinding rate. But in a fun, fulfilling way, made more sweet by knowing that I've done my best and worked as hard as I could for finals.

God's been faithful, results so far have been a testament of His grace.

Will write more when I overcome my sleep debt lol. I think my sleeping schedule's more synched with Malaysian time now oh man

It's 5am but my body clock is behind by 5 hours

2008-05-07T04:51:00.005-04:00

My internal time system is so screwed up.

Dad & Mom if you read this, it's not actually so!

I'm just choosing to adjust my time zone closer to Malaysian time so when I get back I won't be so tired :) See, I'm looking forward to being home so much!

Haha optimism in the midst of stress and insanity always turns out slightly off.

Keep me in prayer and in thought everyone :) Econ, Physics and Math on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday respectively. Thank you so so much, it's absolutely appreciated!

Tan Hong Ming

2008-05-05T22:53:00.002-04:00

Read about it here.

Haven't seen more heart-warming or touching a commercial as this in ages :)

The lessons children teach us are lessons in life and in love.

Modeling stress (& cleanliness) levels ***CAUTION: NERD POST

2008-05-04T23:55:00.003-04:00

1. The cleanliness of my room is inversely proportional to my stress level.

2. If my stress level rises beyond a threshold point I stop showering or using the bathroom -- my bladder's retentive power increases exponentially. So does my ability to withstand my terrible body odor.

3. And since social interaction is a function of body odor, I haven't spoken to anyone in person for the last 5 days.

yes I know this was such a nerd post T_T this is what exams do to you :(

For the curious: #2 and #3 were only half true.

Haha no la no la

Blessed be His Name

2008-05-03T14:29:00.003-04:00

Replies:

@Wilson: Thanks bro :) you've been an amazing encouragement

@Wayne: It's an awesome song isn't it!

@Eunice: Yea in a week I'll be a free man :) my exams end earlier than others', but the first few days will be intense

@Abigail: Hi! Haha thanks for dropping by and saying hi!

@Carol: Thanks :) jiayou to you too! and and yea they trashed west ham today so crazy!

@ry: will try to haha! thinking about coming home after that is motivating me so much

@WunMin: You too! Yup we shall persevere!

@alan: thank you thank you I will! cya in Penang soon!

***

It's been a hectic week -- working on my Computer Science stock trading interface+algorithm is tormenting me at the moment. But I'm almost done and can focus on my other subjects now :)

Haha I think you can see a trend when I'm fatigued and emo and homesick I post songs. I shall leave you another amazing one. Blessed Be Your Name, by Matt Redman. In all circumstances, be it exam or holiday season, tension-filled or easy and relaxed times, 9000 miles (I googled that for an approximation lol) or 0.5 feet from my family, and throughout all extremes of time and emotions:- my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your Name.